Dear Monk: Beyond Fight or Flight
Dear Monk: My wife and I are having marital problems. I’m an ex-fighter pilot and my wife and I are quite different in some ways. I’m not sure whether to stay and try to work it out. Any advice?
Relationships are often difficult because they tend to bring up our unhealed places like no other. Despite our best intentions, most relationships, like two heat seeking missiles coming together, begin amidst an explosion of specialness. Special love conceals hate (self-hate, which gets projected), and lasts only as long as the special love bargain is met. e.g. You perfectly fulfill my needs, and I will perfectly fulfill yours. Well, we all know how that goes.
When the bargain fails, the hate quickly surfaces. Since the relationship was made as a defense to guard against the hate, there is often a response of extra-powerful “love” to the first signs of its arrival. The colloquial term is make-up sex. But there are many forms of defense: a second honeymoon, an impromptu trip to Paris, a sudden decision to have kids, or buy a house etc. But soon even these things don’t work and, without a suitable defense, the hate begins to spill out with less inhibition, so we resort to what we’ve always done with everyone else: project, project, project. Blame, blame, blame. And we all know how that goes.
When we recover from the fits of projection, and our fight or flight fantasies (or outright threats), we sit down with our partner for “a talk”. (Watch out for “THE TALK”. It often means “Come here and let me ‘nicely’ tell you all about how you are to blame for everything.”) “The talk” focuses on how we can make various arrangements to protect against the hate and unkindness. You’ll do this, and I’ll do that. And when you do that, I’ll do this. And it all sounds so reasonable. Hopeful. Everyone feels better. Except it doesn’t work. Having said that, every relationship is going to have arguments and problems, so there’s nothing wrong with using various communication or relational techniques to make a difficult situation less harmful and more manageable. Just don’t think it’s a solution.
Remember: Marriage and divorce are both neutral. The goal isn’t to “get married” or “not get divorced”, it would be to be single, get married, or get divorced WITH JESUS. That’s the option beyond ‘fight or flight’. Under that circumstance, — first being with Jesus in your mind — whatever you decided to do, or not do, on the level of form, would be loving and experienced peacefully.
What this means, from the Course’s point-of-view, is that you be willing to honestly look where you have not been loving (projected onto your partner/yourself as a way to get rid of the guilt you feel for having pushed Jesus away in your mind), and then forgive yourself for this “sin” — or what you thought was a sin, and treated as a sin. You know you treated it as a sin if you projected it, and you know you projected it if you’re not totally peaceful.
To forgive yourself means to honestly look, with the love of Jesus beside you, where you have been judgmental, and to not judge yourself for being judgmental (or to not judge yourself for not being ready to give up the judgment). It’s not getting rid of your judgmental thoughts, it’s learning to be willing to notice all your many judgmental thoughts with the non-judgmental presence of love in your mind. This makes us a lot easier to be around, both for ourselves and others.
It’s this practice that heals a marriage, because there are no relationship problems in the world. There are only Jesus-problems in the mind. That’s our only relational problem. Whatever is going on in a marriage is only a reflection of what’s going on in our mind, and that’s the only place there is a problem. The experience of marriage will follow the mind with perfect fidelity.
Working out arrangements only buys us time, cools the jets, stops the dishes from being broken, keeps us out of prison etc. Nothing more. It’s magic (any solution that does not involve changing the mind). It doesn’t solve the problem. No strategies or schemes within the level of form will work because the repressed guilt will ALWAYS break through such arrangements, no matter how well-intentioned or actively pursued.
So the wisest course would be a compromise approach where you might use an ejection button (magic) for an argument that is going to crash and burn, but to keep learning how to fly the plane of your mind into peaceful horizons (miracle) with Jesus as your co-pilot. In other words, use the magic, just don’t think it solves the problem. Make plans/boundaries, use techniques, just don’t think they will work permanently. They are useful and can be expressions of kindness while we patiently wait for Kindness through our devotion to the process of forgiveness.
When Kindness arrives it is the solution, for all problems have disappeared in its loving presence.
July 4th, 2009 at 2:48 pm
Thank you for this accurate explanation of what the special relationships are for all of us. As I said once you give us your teachings in an everyday and humorous language that is easy for everyone to understand and apply. It´s important to know which one is the only answer to all problems, but it is also important to know that it is not a sin to use magic while we wait for the fear to abate.
July 4th, 2009 at 8:03 pm
I always trip on the part where I’m supposed to look with Jesus at what I’m doing, when it is Him I am doing it to avoid…
July 4th, 2009 at 8:05 pm
I should have added: Eventually sanity prevails for long graceful moments at a time…
Thanks for the beautiful marriage-relationship-Jesus clarification.
July 4th, 2009 at 10:10 pm
Very well put. This is the best generalization for a specific problem that helps us all to apply it to all forms of guilt.
July 4th, 2009 at 10:32 pm
ACIM Monk,
You summarized the relationship situation very succinctly, for such a young whippersnaper (what is that, anyway?). While ultimately the guilt may be due to our amnesia about NOT bringing Jesus/Holy Spirit into our life decisions, on a superficial level we also then carry the guilt of not meeting the expectations projected upon us by the other partner! He/she wants sex more than I do, he/she wants ME to be more successful, he/she wants ME to act more sophisticated like a best friend’s spouse, blah, blah, blah. The guilt eventually personifies itself as a little animal with claws who has been cornered and feels it must fight to survive.
In my dear parent’s relationship, I saw at the end that they pretty much were responding to cardboard cutouts of each other, each cutout created as a projection of the originator’s list of grievances. Magic does sustain things (e.g., they set up separate bedrooms, agreed to a “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy to my father’s daliances…). This sustained things the way mutually assured destruction kept the Soviet Union and the USA from destroying each other and the planet during the Cold War. Finally, the world’s greatest magic act solved my parent’s relationship problem. My mother died suddenly, falling into my dad’s arms as she washed, he dried the dishes. My dad mourned for a week, then began giving her jewelry and clothes to his girlfriends. And such is life (as my mom ironically used to say). He is a major forgiveness issue for me, and God is there for me since I can’t do it alone.
To Everyone:
Jamie’s advice is very pertinent to all relationships. It begins with observing what we are doing, and sucking back our projections, and dealing with the issues ourselves with the help of Jesus/Holy Spirit. Anything else is indeed magic. And a lot of magic is just done with hidden string and mirrors. But it takes 2 to save a relationship, in my opinion. If one person adheres to the Course but the other person is worshipping at the foot of the Jerry Springer show (ego incarnate), then this would be a very difficult journey. And I do believe that Jesus may put his hand on your head and say “You did your best, but sacrifice is not redeemable in heaven as currency. It is time for you to go”.
You’ll know if that time comes. But don’t jump ahead of the process. Practice the Course, and see if perceiving the Light in your spouse will increase the Light within yourself.
Best wishes to the couple addressed by the question/answer.
Will
July 4th, 2009 at 11:05 pm
Wow, Will! What a Whisper! (Please forgive the awful alliteration.) Thank you for sharing this. I saw pieces of my own experience in what you wrote, and it helped me to clarify and put in perspective some lingering issues. Thank you!
July 5th, 2009 at 5:21 am
I second Meredith’s awe. This is a double gem…Jamie’s answer and Will’s sharing. Not sure if it is ego on my part, but I especially gravitate toward Will’s absolution. Maybe we are attracted to what we need or perceive we need? I can attest that there are indeed cases where the only thing to do is to leave. How one does the leaving may even be the greater challenge.
Blessings to all
July 5th, 2009 at 8:28 am
Debbie, for me this sentence sums up my practice:
“I always trip on the part where I’m supposed to look with Jesus at what I’m doing, when it is Him I am doing it to avoid…”
Couldn’t be more elegant – I mean, this is the aphorism of the year.
July 5th, 2009 at 8:53 am
there’s only one projecting the many and so who would be leaving whom :-)
the guilt is the projections from the imagined separation and took on the many forms from the original imagined split…which set up all relation-ships that will hit the iceberg of guilt…titanically speaking :-)
July 5th, 2009 at 9:02 am
Whenever you begin to doubt what the Course is teaching you, or what your experiences of Jesus or the Holy Spirit are, and you feel somehow that you’ll do better on your own, you are reflecting the original ego thought: I will do better on my own; I don’t need God. Our doubts about the Holy Spirit’s efficacy in helping us have nothing to do with Him; they have to do with our own fear, coming from our belief that we have failed Him.
Once again, this is what we always do. We turn our backs on the Holy Spirit or Jesus, and then we believe other people are doing it to us. Since we believe we stole the Kingdom from God, we must therefore believe God is going to try to steal it back from us, a thought so horrible that there’s no way we can look at it, so we blot it all out. But we project it out into the world, so it appears as if the world is out to steal the Kingdom from us. People are out to take things from me. The government will steal from me; the I.R.S. will steal from me; my bosses will steal from me; my friends will steal from me. If I’m not careful, people are going to steal the love and the peace that is inside me. These thoughts are all coming from the underlying belief that I don’t want to look at, that I am the one who stole first.
-from
TRUE EMPATHY
Excerpts from the Workshop held at the Institute & Retreat Center of the Foundation for A Course in Miracles®
Kenneth Wapnick, Ph.D.
Part VII
July 5th, 2009 at 9:10 am
Relationships are a true gift offering us the most significant opportunities to forgive and heal. :)
July 5th, 2009 at 9:43 am
Jamie’s post and Will’s reply do seem to be of the “2 peas in a pod” nature. Thank you for both. When the monk wrote, “There are only Jesus-problems in the mind,” it triggered the “problem” I have with, I want to say the course, but it’s a problem w/ myself (duh). “Jesus” is a figment of the course, which is a figment of the imagination, which is how my brain tells my mind that I can pretend that “someone” else is in “control” but in “reality”, it all comes down to you (i.e., me) and you aren’t doing that great of a job. And I do think that the crux of the matter boils down to the knowledge that God is in me (…us…collective me), and I am in God, but it means that something greater is a part of me, and I am a part of something greater, but I am NOT that something greater by myself (as in separate, not the collective Sonship, which even of itself is not God). Another way of saying: God created me, but I did not create God. And I’d sure like to hear some guidance on how to straighten that line of thinking out clearly, because it gets muddled for me :-)
[Gee can you tell?]
July 5th, 2009 at 10:51 am
Every one of these posts is a miracle. I thank you all for allowing the Holy Spirit to speak through you to me. (Which of course is me hearing the HS in my right mind where we all are as One :-) )
July 5th, 2009 at 10:43 am
Each post is an intensive course with all these answers. Thank you dear Monk for all your teachings and thank you to ALL the monks for their whispers/teaching. I really related to Will´s whisper. This benefits all of us. Love, Lisi
July 6th, 2009 at 8:36 am
I. Definitions
A. “Forgiveness recognizes what you thought your brother did to you has not
occurred.” W.pII.1.1.1
B. “To forgive is merely to remember only the loving thoughts you gave in the past,
and those that were given you. All the rest must be forgotten.” T-17.III.1:-2
July 6th, 2009 at 3:06 pm
Very few of us has what is defined as the “holy relationship”. We’re human, even Course students, and we mostly have “special relationships”. Most relationships are (love, frienship, business partner, etc.) are our classrooms to reflect inwards instead of externally and then apply the curriculum while IN the special relationship. And although nuetral in its purest form, special “anything” is our mirror to the world and we only have one choice which is to choose again for peace with the Holy Spirit as our guide, and the challenges begin to dissapate until the next time!