Dear Monk: Process and Pain
Dear Monk: Why is the process of forgiveness so often painful?
The world and body were made by the mind as a defense against the experiential pain/terror of looking at what we think is our sin and guilt. As we begin the process of forgiveness, which is really the process of peeling back this layer of protection/projection/defense with Jesus, there is going to be some pain there. That’s why we need his help, his vision, and why I always try and emphasize baby-steps, and going slowly, and not skipping steps, and being patient and gentle with ourselves.
The goal of the Course is to end all pain, but the process itself is almost always painful because that’s what the process was made to help us with — our pain (namely, of looking at the tiny mad idea with the ego). That’s why we need Jesus helping us to gradually take our baby steps with his comforting presence beside us.
July 9th, 2009 at 9:31 pm
Perhaps its not the process of forgiveness that’s painful at all, but the ego’s resistance to it and the trickery we conjure up to avoid it the process. I find resentment painful, but I insist on doing it to avoid taking a leap into forgiveness which I think means recognizing another person’s God given worth — the present state my brother holds as being “given” all from All. It is an interesting word because “give” is buried in it, or clouded over through usage. I see the process as a peaceful recognizing of (re-knowing) of what is. I (ego) loves resentment because I get to use my mind to “re-feel” an event, or person’s action so, I can cover my own guilt, a deep ego treachery. It “works” every time. Until I get tired of it and move onto something else. But the unforgiveness is always there if untreated, so I can bring it up at any time to go over it again, and again, hoping for the the same perverse satisfaction I got the first time. Just like taking a drug. Jesus speaks of the process of forgiveness not as condemnation followed by pardon (both painful because they involve further separation) but forgiving for what the other did not do. I have prayed for the power see this this way, and I seem to have experienced it at times. Its not painful, just requires persistence and patience and above all connecting with others for support. For me, it involves first my view of the other person, not so much for the person, but to recognize myself. I think not to know myself is the only real pain here. So, “Because I will to know myself, I see you as my brother and God’s child” is perhaps the foundation of forgiveness.
July 9th, 2009 at 10:48 pm
Hi Bob: Excellent point that it’s the resistance that is painful. Forgiveness itself is not painful, but I think it’s accurate to say the process of forgiveness is at times painful because if there was no resistance it wouldn’t be a process, it would just be forgiveness, accepted at first offer. There’s a rumor a guy named Jesus didn’t have a process — he smiled at the tiny mad idea from the get go. Is it OK to be jealous? Wait, don’t answer. I’m going to be jealous anyway. :)