ACIM Monk: Around the Monastery

May 12/08: (10:45pm) I live a very simple life by preference, and yet on days like today I'm struck by how much unavoidable "stuff" there is to do every week. I'm tempted to make a list of all the inanities. There are all the obvious things we all need to do, but doesn't the list of the unobvious seem to be growing? And it's so surreptitious. And unnecessary. And even sometimes manipulative (e.g. mail-in rebates). New or unexpected things pop up every week. I need a dohickey (that I didn't even know existed) for my whatchamacallit (that I wish I didn't need, but I do), like, every couple of days it seems! Today while out looking for just one of those dohickeys, I walked into a warehouse furniture store, and was quite focused. I'm not exactly sure of the official word for how males shop, but whatever it is I was doing it. Item in mind, internal compass pointed in the general direction (read: wrong direction) of the dohickey section, I zeroed in like a torpedo. That's when I noticed the wheel-chaired man. Despite being in his autumnal years, he was zipping toward me at a very good clip. One big push from his big happy arms and it was as if a gust of wind had just filled his mainsail and carried him effortlessly across the water. Then another effortless push. That's when I could hear the singing. And soon after that, see his shins. They were bruised with cuts, red marks, and scrapes everywhere. "All tore up", as my old shop teacher, Hank, would say. But he was singing. I suddenly felt a little embarrassed about my furrowed-male-shopping-brow, and ramped out a couple pretty good coughs, just to let him know I wasn't usually this, well, whatever the mood for not-singing-outloud-in-public is called. That I'd had a bit of the flu this week. One could understand my restraint. He blew past me with nary a glance, his eyes closed and head thrown back in such musical revel that I worried he might pop an impromptu wheelie. I resisted the urge to turn and spot him. In the after-breeze that followed his whooshing by, his voice lingered in the air like lazy, near-spent fireworks. I could hear he was in perfect pitch with the store's piped-in music... "Sittin' in the mornin' sun... I'll be sittin' when the evenin' comes... Watching the ships roll in... And then I watch 'em roll away again..."

May 11/08: (11:05pm) Happy Mother's Day to any moms out there who are reading this - it's one of the most difficult classrooms around. OK, so it looks like I don't have The Bubonic Plague after all, part of me is sorry to report. What a story that would be! Able to breathe and lift my index finger to click a touchpad again (See why being a mom is so hard? They have SONS. WHO GET SICK), I'm back to listening to Disk 4 of Love Does Not Oppose. And since I've been ill recently, and making "somewhat" of a big deal out of it, this (paraphrased) statement from Ken served as a timely reminder for me: If we are going to protect ourselves from confronting the horror of our own hatred of ourselves then we need enemies. The decision maker has to have a villain that is perceived outside, because without that villain the only villain left is within our mind and that would be terrifying, so we all need someone 'out there' that we can blame. Part of that blame can be our own body because the body is perceived as outside of ourselves too… 'I would be happy if only my body were different.' 'If only it didn't hurt so much.' 'If only it had more of this or less of that.' If only, if only, if only… It fulfills the same requirement. Whether it's my body I project onto, or it's your body, it doesn't make any difference. But there has to be some body that is perceived outside otherwise everything is recognized to be simply within our own mind.

May 10/08: (7:07pm) As my flu (yes, it's been officially renamed - and if it's still here tomorrow I'm already thinking of calling it The Bubonic Plague) makes a surprising resurgence today, I'm recuperating in my chair under my indoor Bodhi tree (it's really a Ficus, but when you live in a monastery you have the unbridled liberty to name things as you wish). There's a certain residual delirium involved with fevers, so I expect to use a lot of parenthesis today (even though they're sloppy and make things hard to read). I was just thinking about the line in the Teacher's Manual that says "all things are helpful" (annotation is for non-flu-ridden bloggers) and how it relates to our process. We're always in process all the time, whether we're aware of it or not, and the process is always helpful, whether we're aware of it or not. For instance, when I'm looking at my ego with Jesus, that's obviously helpful. I can immediately experience the helpfulness of that. If I'm looking at my ego with the ego, or if I'm not looking at all, it's still helpful. It's certainly not the most helpful thing I could be doing (but maybe for me, in my Atonement process, right then, maybe it is), but even denial or projection, for instance, have an inherent helpfulness: You eventually learn they don't work. That they don't bring you peace. Now, it might be a painful lesson to some (experiential) degree or another, but it's still helpful. This made me consider the idea, "the process is always perfect."* (No annotation necessary, having come from my feverish noggin', and not the Course.) *I reserve the right to delete this post when the hot and cold flashes subside.

May 9/08: (10:44pm) I'm feeling great today, almost all better, except for my stuffed nose making funny wheezing sounds at inappropriate times. I was able to teach class this morning, and really enjoyed it. Some highlights: As you go along in this Course you get to the point where you realize you don't get angry, you choose to get angry. And when you go deeper you can see yourself wanting to choose to get angry. ~ The ultimate forgiveness is forgiving ourselves for having chosen the wrong teacher and blaming everyone else for it. ~ This Course exposes our need to be unfairly treated. To be unfairly treated is our secret wish. ~ One of the things Jesus wants us to recognize is how painful choosing the ego is, but we're very good at covering it up and denying it. ~ Don't see your ego in action as guilty, just as something you no longer want anymore. ~ We can watch what we're doing, but it's better to watch what we think about what we're doing. (The preceding - except for the wheezy nose bit - were notes I took at last month's Academy classes at the Foundation for A Course in Miracles. Italics were used where I seem to recall Ken's voice becoming especially gruff. I mean, emphatic.)

May 8/08: (10:34pm) My fever broke at around 7pm tonight (I guess it was more of a flu than a cold), and I'm feeling much better - thank you to everyone who wrote with such caring messages. I look at my entry of May 5th on sickness, unaware that I'd be sick for the next three days, so maybe some part of me was aware of what was coming and was getting the message out ahead of time. In that case look for tomorrow's post to be on "the virtues of winning the lottery."

May 7/08: (7:47pm) Under the weather with a cold today, so maybe it's a good time for a monk joke: Upon joining the Lazaratian Monks order, John takes a vow of silence. However, he's promised by the head Monk that he can speak two words per year. After the first year the head Monk asks him his two words for the year. John replies ... "More Blankets." After his second year the head Monk asks him again his two words for the year. He replies ... "More Food." After the third year the head Monk asks him his two words for the year. He replies ... "I'm Leaving." The Head Monk says, "Thank God... You've done nothing but moan since you got here!"

May 6/08: (3:46pm) It's interesting to realize that I will never be enlightened. The I that I think am - the body, personality - can never be enlightened because it doesn't exist. It is a projected idea of separation seemingly given form, and an idea of separation can never become enlightened, it can only be let go or given up, its unreality recognized. The Self that I am in Truth is already enlightened and needs no assistance. So what of the middle ground between these two identities? That's where the Course comes in. It establishes a bridge, a process where the personification of separation - that would be me - begins a relationship with the personification of union which the Course calls Jesus. Both are ideas in the mind, but are experienced outside of the mind, in time and space where we are convinced we exist. This is one of the reasons the Course is so practical: It gives the mind a gentle tool - forgiveness - to use where it thinks it is (in the world, living as a body in relationship with other bodies), which all the while leads the mind back to an awareness of itself as a mind, and more specifically, a decision making mind. A mind with power (the ability to decide between love and fear), as opposed to a powerless and therefore victimized physical and psychological self that lives at the mercy and whim of cruel external forces. What lies between the concept of a guilty, individual self and our true Self as Christ in Heaven, is the concept of a forgiven self. This is the self-concept A Course in Miracles offers us, and it does so by inviting us to look again, this time with forgiving eyes, upon our present self-concept.. the very embodiment of guilt. What could be more loving, and necessary, to those who believe they are forever beyond the tender kiss of God's eternal embrace?

May 5/08: (10:42pm) Sickness is not the physical or psychological symptom, it's the belief that says, "I prefer my individuality more than the Oneness of Christ." Imagine how insane that is! And imagine the insanity that must follow. (I guess we don't have to try too hard... we just have to take a look around us, or watch the news, or notice our thoughts throughout the day. Crazy!) None are but shadows of the original and only sickness, the thought that says, "I am better off outside of Heaven."

May 4/08: (10:47pm) I mentioned a while back that upon waking that I began and assembled my day around the idea, "Today is another opportunity to weaken my identification with the ego." Today I replaced the word ego with guilt, and had great results. One of those results occurred this evening. I found out that the first investment I ever made (this would be in July last year) was a scam and I would be losing, for me, a very sizeable chunk of money... and it didn't bother me at all. I've had a nice and very normal evening. (It remains to be seen if I wake up screaming 'Nooooo!' in the middle of the night.) The process we undergo with this Course is strange at times, when you think about it. Early in the Course it feels like we can let go of the "little" things, but that the "big" things will probably take some time. Then we learn that they're all the same (a choice in the mind), but we still experience external events as different. Then we start having some success and sometimes experience no difference between what would normally be considered big or little events. But as this happens - and this is where it gets weird - we might lose our savings and not blink an eye, and three hours later be stubbornly upset for a good amount of time over a trivial occurrence with a friend. This flip-flopping of our previously normal responses and reactions makes for a great illustration of the lesson we are learning: There are no hierarchy of illusions / There is no order of difficulty amongst miracles. So we learn it's never the event, only our interpretation of it, but since most of us still perceive certain events as more important or dramatic than others, it's amusing (uhh, from the right-minded perspective) to watch the process unfold... to watch as we generalize the lesson that a choice for the ego is a choice for the ego, no matter where we choose to apply it. And that a choice for forgiveness can just as easily bring its happy effects no matter the circumstance. Somewhere I can imagine Jesus saying, "Cha-ching!"

May 3/08: (9:37pm) To paraphrase Ken Wapnick: The miracle moves us from the world's dream to the secret dream in the mind which we look at with Jesus which then moves us beyond dreams entirely, returning us Home to the God we never left. The happy dream begins when we recognize that the world's dream is simply a projection of the secret dream, and it's the secret dream that's the problem. The secret dream in the mind is that we have separated from God. That's the unhappy dream. This thought gets projected out into the unhappy dreams that we seem to live here, but the dreams here are not the true dream, so the happy dream has nothing to do with life here, it is a correction for the unhappy dream in the mind – the thought of separation. The happy dream of forgiveness is when we change our thinking, which is to say we change our teacher, and this has nothing to do with what we think of as our lives… our job, health, relationships. It has only to do with our state of mind, because that's all there is. So the happy dream is basically meaningless if we don't know what it is the correction for.

May 2/08: (4:06am) I just woke up having dreamt I was in Temecula attending a workshop with a friend. As I left the building it was very dark and pouring sheets of rain, and I soon became upset with my friend when she had us unnecessarily cross a street only to come back to the original side, wetter than before. Still harboring a bit of annoyance toward each other, we began to jog down dark, empty streets toward our destination... I could see it in the distance rising up before us: a very old church built on top of a very large mountain. I had never seen a church like it before; it towered high above the mountain, frighteningly so, and then also extended equally far straight down the side of the sheer mountain face. As my friend and I ran effortlessly toward this monolithic structure, I felt both inspired and a shiver of fear. It seemed it had been left unattended for many centuries, and yet stood waiting, in its original condition, for my return. As we entered the dark church we immediately came upon the only discernible structure - an ancient spiral staircase made of smooth, polished wood. The only light in the building came from many stories below. As I looked down the open space in the middle of the staircase, I could see what seemed to be a janitor, patiently sweeping the bottom floor some thousand feet below. It occurred to me he had been at this job a very long time and considered it a sacred responsibility, and I felt I wanted to meet him and ask him what he was doing. My friend and I - our earlier grievance now forgotten at our shared reverence of being in such a church - began to descend the staircase, but it was slow going. We decided it would be much faster if we slid down the smooth wooden pole which ran up and down the length of the open space at the center of the staircase. I began my slide tentatively, but as I relaxed my grip more and more, I began to enjoy the ease and speed of my descent. I was happily surprised because I was not usually so brave. As I rushed toward the figure below, I felt a sense of unbridled excitement and a deep release, and knew I would soon reach the bottom. As I was about to complete the descent I felt a sudden fear rise in me, and I quickly gripped the pole with all my strength, my heart pounding ... and woke up in my bed.

May 1/08: (8:57pm) Last night I had a long talk with a very dear friend, and as a fellow Course student she and I talked about how we'd spent our lives in our various ego patterns. During the course of our conversation I began to connect some dots I'd never seen before. I became aware of subtle ego machinations from my distant past, leading all the way to the present, that were part of larger themes. At the time they had appeared loving, but I could now clearly see them for what they were: examples of the innocent face of the ego. I saw that many of my past attempts to rescue people were just covert attempts to hide attack behind a face of concern. How could I tell when it was wrong-minded? For one, it often came with a sense of guilt if the rescue attempt did not appear to work. In my guilt I was taking away their power of decision - the only power we have, the only hope we have, in the split-mind. How loving could that be? Try not at all. What I'm about to say is hard for most Course students to hear: Worry is always attack. What is not right-minded comes from the ego, and everything that comes from the ego is attack. It can be incredibly subtle and ingenious, and appear to be natural and loving, but it is not. I've known worry is attack for some time, but last night I saw even more subtle forms of it. I saw how I have participated, and still participate, in a dance of death with various people in my life. It doesn't matter who takes the lead; it's that I participate at all. I have long found comfort in the "gentle melody" of Jesus and His symphony of the soul, but what I heard last night, as I reviewed these instances of treachery, was another melody. One I've played over and over and over in my life. This melody is dissonant, and it's anything but gentle or nice. It seemed like a significant awareness for me, and attendant with the awareness came the desire to no longer participate in that dance - at least in that form. As I go forward I feel I will now decline that particular dance, and instead should like to invite others to join me on a very different dance floor. One where the symphony is led by Jesus, the dance steps are light, and the smiles contain no traces of hidden malice.

April 30/08: (9:54pm) As I mentioned in the previous entry, yesterday I visited with two good friends and had a wonderful experience. Today I visited three old friends... sin, guilt and fear. To the ego these are its only true and loyal friends; a very unholy trinity. I can't say it was a wonderful experience, although from my ego's point of view it certainly was... "And now you stand in terror before what you swore never to look upon. Your eyes look down, remembering your promise to your "friends." The "loveliness" of sin, the delicate appeal of guilt, the "holy" waxen image of death, and the fear of vengeance of the ego you swore in blood not to desert, all rise and bid you not to raise your eyes" (T-19.IV.D.6:1-3). As the day went on, I was able to slowly look at these "friends" with more and more gentleness. In remembering the pain of the ego, I am left with that much more motivation to walk the quiet path. Often we put a gap between our choice for the ego and the pain we feel so that we can hide its effects, but once this gap disappears and the connection is made, the choice becomes clearer and easier. Who would want the ego seeing all the pain it brings? Pain is not pleasure. Projection is not freedom. Fear is not the escape from guilt, nor is guilt the escape from sin. The ego's plan does not work. It does not protect us, or shelter us, or nurture us. It does not mean us well. Its rubies are blood, and its diamonds tears (T-17.IV.8:4). It is many things, but there is one thing it is not... it is not our friend.

April 29/08: (8:26pm) I visited with two good friends today, and was lovingly asked about my blog and the Course. These two friends are Mormon, but what does that have to do with anything?

N-o-t-h-i-n-g. Here is the proof: I was asked how the practical and spiritual sides of the Course are wed... I explained that I use one hand to "hold the hand" of whomever or whatever is in front of me (live in the world), and use the other hand to hold Jesus' hand (practice forgiveness in my mind), and that I try to allow my relationship with Jesus to imbue the relationship with whomever is in front of me in any moment. My friend said that was very much how she sought to live her life as well, and in that moment our very different spiritual paths disappeared. On that central idea - the content of the love of Jesus, and our relationship with Him - we were the same. My friend and I shared a beautiful moment of heartfelt connection and understanding that crossed all boundaries and rendered them meaningless. The symbols are different, but we all share the same path and walk toward Heaven as one.

April 28/08: (10:41am) Here is a link to Ken Wapnick's experience of awakening to Jesus. It's a lovely story.

April 27/08: (10:12am) When I was a young boy I felt a keen sense of Jesus' presence. I was very religious in my own way, always thinking, praying, and talking to Jesus, as well as reading the Bible on my own. It came naturally, without any urging from my parents or any significant environmental religiosity. I've maintained this relationship throughout my life, but recently I've noticed an interesting juxtaposition: I've been relating to Jesus more as an abstract Presence of love, while at the same time experiencing a familiar feeling of how I related to Him as a child. It's almost as if it has become more impersonal and personal at the same time.

April 26/08: (9:37am) I've received some emails asking about my recent experience of recognizing the depth of my ego-insanity, and I think this excerpt from FACIM's Q&A (#56) sheds some light on it: "...we value our individual, separate self more than all the love and happiness in the universe, and we’d even be willing to kill for it. But we’d rather not admit to that. Because if we did, then we might be more willing to let go of our identification with the ego and the special individual self that we each think we are." Those are startling words, - "more than all the love and happiness in the universe" - but must be true, because we think we're here, and that can only be by choice. Allowing ourselves to recognize the truth of these words can only arise from a willingness to (begin to) reconsider our choice, having recognized the tremendous cost, the tremendous pain, of our decision. I have been experiencing a lot of pain on and off these past six months, and through that process have found the willingness to look more deeply, more honestly, at my choice. The result has been an even deeper recognition that I have always been in pain. Being away from Home, - expressed in the split-mind as being away from the right-mind - is pain. With this awareness, the right-mind becomes more attractive and is seen to have more value. But the awareness of our pain must come first. The Holy Spirit needs this contrast to teach us we have valued wrongly.

April 25/08: (9:32pm) Since coming back from my most recent trip to Temecula, I feel like a different person. Not a totally different person, but significantly more peaceful. It's almost as if my "baseline of inner quiet" has been raised. (Or would that be lowered?) Like a resting heart-rate... an athlete trains and gets their resting heart-rate down to 42, let's say. It feels like my practice of this Course has had a similar result - the practice has matured into an ongoing experience that doesn't require my conscious effort. Maybe it's just a cumulative effect of being in my wrong mind with Jesus. This effect is just something I'm observing; noticing with a quiet happiness and gratitude. I wouldn't want to attempt to explain it logically, but within the realm of my experience I can say that the two major experiences were 1) recognizing the total insanity of my ego-thinking and concomitant need of taking every step/breath with the Presence of love, and 2) experiencing that Presence very deeply after having had the first experience (which, in retrospect, felt like an invitation to the second experience). Things feel easier. And when I say things, I mean my moment to moment experience of this world. It's softer. Quieter. I like it.

April 24/08: (10:02pm) In May the Foundation is having a workshop entitled The Sleep of Forgetfulness on the 17th, followed by three Academy classes entitled The Emperor Has No Clothes from the 18-20th. Tomorrow I am going call and register for both. I'm looking forward to hearing Ken proclaim, "Not only does the emperor have no clothes... but there is no emperor!" (Not only is there no guilt... there is no ego!)

April 23/08: (9:58pm) A week in the life of a Course student can feel like a very long time. Does anyone else find that? I look back at some of these Monastery blog posts and think, "Was that only two days ago? Was that only a week ago?" Maybe it was that way in my pre-Course days; you know, back when I wasn't watching EVERY SINGLE THOUGHT I HAVE. It's hard to remember now, it's been so long... but I do remember thinking of God all the time, and talking and praying to Jesus. That dates back to my earliest memories. When I think about it, I've always watched my thoughts, but there's a different quality now, one that makes a week feel like a month. It's sort of like dog years. How old does that make me in Course years? Somewhere around 115, maybe. Hmph. Not bad. I always thought I'd live a long time.

April 22/08: (9:20pm) There is no "Course community". A Course in Miracles is not meant to be the basis of another church or cult. This Course is only meant for one person; it's highly individualized, and profoundly personal. The true Course community is my decision maker, my right mind and my wrong mind. That's all. Everything else is distraction.

April 21/08: (8:42am) Right now I'm listening to Love Does Not Oppose and am having that experience all Course students - or students of any path - have with great regularity: An idea I've heard hundreds of times suddenly has even more meaning. It's the idea that we're not asked to change or give up anything in our lives. We do what we've always done - enjoy our interests, pursue our careers, take care of our families, friends and communities etc. - we simply change who we do it with. We change teachers. We change the purpose. Where before its purpose was to root us still further in the dream, we now give our normal day-to-day lives and interests to the Holy Spirit to use on behalf of our awakening, even as we enjoy them. This is not a course in sacrifice. And this line from the Course couldn't be more clear: "I have said repeatedly that the Holy Spirit would not deprive you of your special relationships, but would transform them" (T-17.IV.2:3). As the judgmental thoughts behind our special relationships reveal our special relationship with the ego, we are given the opportunity to look at them differently. The difference being that we look at them with the light of Jesus and the Holy Spirit beside us. In other words, with forgiveness. This is the transformation. Where once there was a concealed special relationship, the special relationship is now looked upon with love and within the kindly light of this changed purpose it becomes a holy relationship... namely, one that is used to gradually return us to the awareness of our holy identity in Christ. In the meantime, throughout this process, we live our normal lives.

April 20/08: (7:21pm) Everything in this world, if given to the Holy Spirit, has the capacity to teach us the meaning of forgiveness. I find that comforting. The world is wholly neutral. No form, event, situation, circumstance or relationship has meaning in and of itself. However, when given to the Holy Spirit for his holy purpose, everything has meaning. I think this is a way for Course students to avoid that trap of feeling a pervading sense of meaningless in their lives after beginning the Course. It should be just the opposite. We are exchanging a meaningless life, for a truly meaningful life. With the Holy Spirit beside us every step of the way, we are eventually led beyond this illusion of life to Life in God. What could arouse more joy than that?

April 19/08: (9:36pm) Two words have been sticking in my mind recently: Fool's stage. This world is a fool's stage, and to be riveted by what happens on its stage is to be a fool. Well, that makes us all fools of course because we, as God's one Son, very purposefully wrote the script and all the tragedies and triumphs that play themselves out day after day... and most of us remain riveted, at least to some degree, much of the time. The real fool's stage, however, is the ego thought system. It is only when we first buy into the thought system of separation that we become riveted to the world and its many fables and foibles... it is not these that ask for our forgiveness, but our willingness to be separate which preceded them.

April 18/08: (3:59pm) Last night I dreamt some of the world's greatest thinkers throughout history were gathered in a prestigious venue to present their various discoveries. One by one they came to center stage carefully holding a pie, which was symbolic of their particular invention, theory, or discovery. Standing with great dignity and pride, each person began to hold out their pie for all to applaud and venerate... before unexpectedly changing their minds at the last moment and "pie-ing" themselves in the face! I remember Einstein doing this, and hearty laughter bubbling up inside of him causing his shoulders to shake and his face to beam with happiness. It seemed a great personal relief for him to realize his theories were as nothing before the Truth.

April 17/08: (8:10am) An idea that has been really working for me the past couple of months is the thought of bringing my disquiet to the Quiet presence within. All variations of fear (anger, sadness, annoyance etc.) have the commonality of leaving the mind in a state of disquiet. Where once there was tranquility, now there is disturbance. A quiet mind has nothing to do with sound or circumstance, it is when we choose against the ego, and its shriekings subside to silence, that peace takes the place of pain.

April 16/08: (9:05pm) Every Wednesday morning I teach an ACIM class, but today's was a little different... I had a pen thrown at me! Ok, there's a little bit of embellishment there - it was thrown to the floor in frustration when I was cornered, cornered I tell you!, into saying "the tiny mad idea" never really happened. I joked that by the end of the month the same pen would likely be hurled at my head. :) ~ On the way home in the car last night I listened to Ken's workshop "The Prodigal Son". One idea that was meaningful to me was how we keep returning home (within the split mind our "home" is the right mind) and receive our robe, ring and sandals (the peace of God), and then soon leave once again for the far country (the wrong mind) and play out the whole dynamic again. And again. And again. We all do this many, many times until we finally realize how stupid and useless it is... and then we finally decide, once and for all, to just stay home (the real world), which then gives way to our true Home.

April 15/08: (7:59am) Car is packed and I'm about to check out. Morning session is with Jeff, then Ray and Mary Pat have invited me out to lunch so I'm looking forward to that. Things close with Ken in the afternoon and then I'll probably drive back tonight, getting in around 11:30pm or so. (11:26pm) Made it home safely in 5 hours and 28 minutes. Didn't run into any rush hour traffic when I left the Foundation, so that helped speed things along. Before class started this morning Mary Pat allowed me to take Raymond's new sports car for a spin. She said I was the first person to drive it other than them, so I felt pretty honored, and had a big grin on my face to start the day. I had lunch with Mary Pat and Raymond at a seafood restaurant and really enjoyed their company. They're so sweet! I then returned to the Foundation for a meeting with Ken, which was wonderful in every way. The afternoon class had lots of highlights; one quick idea that was mentioned that I think is important is that we cannot begin to become unstuck until we first realize how stuck we are. I know in my experience that seeing the vastness of my insanity has been helpful in that it allowed me to recognize the concomitant vastness of my need for Jesus/Holy Spirit. Total insanity calls for total love. Sometimes we can tolerate what we consider minor insanity, but when we're honest and willing to look beneath it we see it stretching in all directions. At that point we tend to call for help a little more quickly and easily. It's an important recognition. ~ Even though it's been a fairly long day I don't feel tired, but it will be nice to sleep in my own bed again. It was a powerful, helpful, and enjoyable Academy for many reasons, but it's also good to be back in the monastery.

April 14/08: (7:27am) There is a big difference, from the ego's point of view, between letting go of your grievances and letting go of your self. But there comes a point when it's easy, when you can see the self as just as much of an illusion as were the grievances. All you're losing is a page in a storybook. A tiny wisp of nothingness.(6:44pm) This morning Ken spent quite a bit of time speaking about the "decision maker." As I sat there and considered the many ingenious ways we attempt to convince ourselves we are not a mind, and how seriously we appear to buy into these transparent and insane attempts to be something we are not, I felt laughter bubbling up inside of me and had to bite down hard on my pen several times to keep from bursting out in hysterics. Within a few minutes I noticed a "ping" of fear in my chest. I immediately saw what I was trying to do, and smiling easily, forgave myself. A minute or so after that, another ping. Another smile, and more forgiveness. This was easy. Ha! But then... Ping, ping, ping. "That was a pretty good one", I thought, suddenly sitting up and taking things a bit more seriously. But I soon forgave myself and peace returned. Then less than a minute later... Ping, ping, ping-ping-ping PING!! "My fear of the mind is relentless!", I lamented to myself... but how could I be lamenting it if I was choosing it? I knew I must secretly love the fear, be luxuriating in it... and I felt guilty. It had me. I had me. That is, I had me convinced of the very thing I was laughing at being convinced about just minutes earlier, and for the past day. Terror rose and now I was biting down on my pen for a whole different reason! :) I did my best to just watch it, and despite a lot of discomfort, my mind eventually calmed down after a few minutes. I'd had 17 hours of joy and a part of me got afraid. Watching all of this happen, with Jesus (as much as possible), is what being an A Course in Miracles student is all about. ~ Norene and Jeff invited me to their place for lunch and I enjoyed it immensely. It should be noted that Jeff made "valuable contributions to the truth", or so he asked me to say in his loveable way. :) In the afternoon class, taught by (a different) Jeff - Dr. Jeffrey Seibert - we were left with this homework assignment: "How has this specific self (my body, personality, psychological self), throughout my life, served my purpose of keeping the guilt in my mind hidden?" Then after looking at that, we were to ask ourselves, "Do I really want this to be who I am?" Ping. Ping-ping. :)

April 13/08: (5:30am) It's interesting to watch your thoughts in the first few moments upon waking. Your eyes are not yet open, but your thoughts race ahead imagining all the many ways you might find physical and psychological comfort. That's what the day's purpose seems to be: to fill that deep sense of lack, to "put by [our] suffering." To numb, the best we can, our relentless feelings of homelessness. We seek a home in food, in games, in the pursuit of specialness - "A thousand homes he makes, yet none content his restless mind... There is no substitute for Heaven. All he ever made was hell" (W-pI.182.3:3,6,7). This is why spending a little quiet time with the Holy Spirit is so important. I like to begin each day with this quiet thought: "Today is another opportunity to weaken my identification with the ego." That gives my day purpose and meaning, and an underlying sense of joy. (1:29pm) The title of this week's Academy classes is "You Have What You Have Taken." Ken opened the class by saying, "Yesterday was a touch of Heaven, today will be the opposite", but he went soft on us. There were a lot impactful ideas - too many to go into in detail - but an important one, I think, is the idea that... "We won't know our right mind until we know our wrong mind. This is not a course in truth or love, but a course in looking at your ego and saying, 'I don't want that anymore.' When we forgive the guilt, the glue that holds the sin in place is gone, and it gently falls away." More to come after Rose Marie's class this afternoon... (5:12pm) Rose Marie's class this afternoon was excellent! I had a powerful experience of my identity as a mind during the class, one that remains with me still and has grown more powerful since. Makes me laugh to type this with fingers that think they're fingers. I better go, mirth doesn't translate well on the internet. :)

April 12/08: (6:37am) I'm packed and about to get into the car to head to Temecula for four days of classes at the Foundation. Today's workshop starts at 1pm, and with a 6 hour drive I should arrive there around 12pm. Every trip I listen to an entire CD series each way; it's good company and makes the drive go by faster. The one I have selected for today is Healing the Dream of Sickness. I'll continue micro-blogging when I get to Temecula. (12:25pm) Arrived safely. The trip took 5 hours and 15 mins; quickest drive yet. Have checked in, had lunch, and am heading over to the Foundation. (5:38pm) Ken started off by telling us that "For They Have Come" was the first section Helen ever gave him, and it will always have a special place in his heart. He was stunned by its beauty and content then, and still considers it the "pearl of all pearls" of the Course. He went through it line by line, and closed the class by reading the entire section straight through from beginning to end. Before doing so, he asked us to open ourselves to an experience of love, if only for a moment or two, and then take it with us so we could always compare it with the experience of choosing the ego. He read it from the heart, and it was beautiful and deeply touching. A class I will always remember.

April 11/08: The Course has so many lines that jump off the page and make you want to close the book and think about them for the rest of the day. Here's one I just read five minutes ago: "Pursuit of specialness is always at the cost of peace" (T-24.II.2:1). Pow!

April 10/08: Was taking a look at something (p-p-pain) with Jesus today, and had an image of the two of us sitting at a table in my mind. He said, "What happens here at this table, gets played out down there. It seems to be happening there, but it all happens here." There was a distinct separation between my mind and my body/the world insofar as the world could never affect my mind, but rather only be a shadow of it. While sitting at that table, the world seemed wholly irrelevant to what was happening in my mind, and seemed to matter not at all. From the point of view of the world, its only value was to be used in such a way to get me back to the table, and the kind presence sitting across from me.

April 9/08: I received an email today with an interesting question about the Course's use and meaning of "living things". It inspired my first post in over two months. It's nice to have a new picture at the top of the page, and I like how it relates to the content of the post. It's a painting that is full of life, and yet if you look carefully, full of change, the temporal, and death. The leaves, beautiful as they are, are being blown from their branches. The effect is very pretty, but brief, and soon to be replaced by wintery images of death and fallow. There is an illusion of life here, and following it, the inexorable illusion of death.

April 8/08: Taught class this morning, and the concept that seemed to most impact everyone was relating an experience where I was aware I had just chosen my ego, and then just as quickly decided not to feel guilty about it (i.e. look at it with Jesus). Even though a moment earlier I had chosen my ego, I was not experiencing any guilt or pain. If looking at something with Jesus means we no longer feel pain nor disquiet, then we know the pain and disquiet did not come from the problem in the world, but from our not looking at it with Jesus. I think once this is experienced, there begins a shift whereupon we more deeply recognize our one relationship is the relationship we have with Jesus.

April 7/08: I've received some emails asking me if I'm going to continue blogging. The answer is, yes I am. Right now I'm devoting more time to reading and studying the Course, listening to Ken's CDs, reading his books, and living a balanced life. I will resume blogging when the inspiration strikes, and I'm sure the re-design of my blog (see April 5th entry below) will provide some of that inspiration. I have 2-3 blog entries on ice; they just need a little sprucing up, so I imagine I will have something up before too long.

April 6/08: My good friend and dedicated Course student, Lucia Espinosa, has stepped down from her role as moderator extraordinaire of the Disappearance of the Universe Yahoo Group. She is now spending more time "tending to her own inner and outer gardens" (her words) and can be found at Another Way Foundation, or her Yahoo study group.

April 5/08: I've hired a web design professional to work on my blog, but the changes won't be coming until late June as he is booked until then. If you, as a Course student, have any ideas as to what you'd like to see on this site, please email me your ideas. My main goal in tweaking the design is to make the site easier to navigate and user-friendly, while providing one-stop access to information, and study links. Hopefully it will also make it more interactive, with links to the latest comments on the main blog, as well as providing the ability to comment on these Twitter-like posts. I'm not sure if I will start up my Question and Answer service again, but if I do, then maybe I could have a place on the website to archive/view those. Send in your ideas!

April 4/08: I've reserved a room at the Best Western in Temecula for FACIM's April 12th-15th classes. I'm particularly looking forward to Ken's April 12th workshop entitled, "For They Have Come". It is one of the most beautiful sections in the Course and Ken's favorite. It should be easier to sit through than last year's "The Ego: Engine of Destruction" where my entire row was left pale and a bit sick!