The Blue Circle
The Blue Circle is located in the heart of the monastery. It’s where we come to share the healing moments in our process — the holy instants, miracles, milestones, and epiphanic moments of true forgiveness. It’s the opposite of the Scream-o-torium: Home of the Big-Deal-O-Meter. It’s where the problem formerly seen as a Big Deal is no longer taken seriously. It’s the return to mindfulness, symbolized by Ken Wapnick’s famous blue circle and blue dot, so central to A Course in Miracles’ process of forgiveness and healing.
This picture reminds me of this quote from A Course in Miracles: The forgiven world becomes the gate of Heaven, because by its mercy we can at last forgive ourselves. Holding no one prisoner to guilt, we become free. Acknowledging Christ in all our brothers, we recognize His Presence in ourselves. Forgetting all our misperceptions, and with nothing from the past to hold us back, we can remember God. Beyond this, learning cannot go. When we are ready, God Himself will take the final step in our return to Him.
December 12th, 2009 at 9:22 pm
Had a stroll around the grounds…Very nicely done, Monk.
I like the changes and updates. I like this picture and symbology most of all.
I never made this connection; I was deeply moved by it.
A blue dot – a blue circle – a decision maker – letting us choose once again.
It is never too late to change your mind ~ about your mind.
December 13th, 2009 at 8:26 am
Lovely Blue Circle Room, thank you for embracing me. I will tell you of a miracle this day: I have posted in the Screamatorium about a paranoia that I am letting up to the surface more and more. It is becoming more and more transparent. This day, I was having a mail correspondance with a Focusing partner. She had a sentence there that started the paranoia big time. I though her sentence meant something so bad that I had to call the companionship off. I was on the verge to tell her this, when I felt that Silent Calm Knowing: she is not meaning it like you perceive it.
And in that second it became radiantly clear what she meant.
And from that new space of seeing clearly, I noticed HOW invested the paranoia-maker is in getting me to stop doing any thing that is love-filled and working well. It was like I just looked at “him” and smiled and shook my head in disbelief.
I am so glad I can post this here, and not in the screamatorium. I love the clarity it brings that we have specified rooms – it brings safety and sacred s p a c e
I bless this room with my joy and gratefulness
Nina
December 13th, 2009 at 3:56 pm
Beautiful Image and Home for our Holy Instants and Embracing Forgiveness…Ditto AnneTX thoughts, connecting the dots and gratitude for all the new rooms.
My recent pain around my current bump in the road with my daughter and all the initial terribly painful feelings it stirred in me has been shifted by the peace I feel absorbing what Jesus offers us in the text Chapter 11 God or the Ego.
We are ready to look more closely at the ego’s thought system because together we have the lamp that will dispel it, and since you realize you do not want it, you must be ready. Let us be very calm in doing this, for we are merely looking honestly for truth. The “dynamics” of the ego will be our lesson for a while, for we must look first at this to see beyond it, since you have made it real. We will undo this error quietly together, and then look beyond it to the truth. (T-11.V.1:3-6)
December 13th, 2009 at 4:00 pm
Isn’t “chapter 11″ also a bankruptcy/reorganization format?
A type of surrender/correction?
December 13th, 2009 at 8:59 pm
TexAnne, I love how you catch these things and make these connections.
December 14th, 2009 at 1:17 am
Another Freakin Brilliant Haiku from TexAnne
December 14th, 2009 at 5:07 am
Thank you – so much for your kind words.
I learned Haiku writing from a very wise teacher (Canadian, of course…)
They were all about being too heavy. (The Haikus, not the Canadians…)
Bankruptcy works well, too! Zombies are a good standby… (If, indeed they can stand…)
December 14th, 2009 at 4:28 pm
Another miracle – and still it holds – (reliefed sigh) – the inner therapist has got that she needs to get out of the way. No, not . !!! When pains or cramps come in the night, the former belief that healing has happened ONLY when i immediately sense a relief – gone. Now the relief is: I don’t need to do anything at all – I HAVE given this theme to God, and so when pain comes I am only reminded that it now is in His hands. This trust that it is healing, it is being forgiven, even though i don’t feel its effect yet – that is a miracle, that is the therapist getting out of the way.
Trust. You have no idea how strange and wonderful and unbelievable it is that I can trust in something i do not sense the effect from.
And with that, big inner tensions are disappearing – the tensions of “HAVING to heal this, or else…” this strong inner demands, impossible to fill.
I am filling myself up with this trust.
December 15th, 2009 at 12:49 am
A little boy had a broken heart when he found he had bumped into and broken, a beautiful snow globe. It was a musical snow globe, and it played Ava Maria, and had a beautiful woman, Mary, the mother of Jesus in the center. It seems the little boys father bought it for his mother when he was just ten. It was a tradition when they went to their grandmother’s, to take time together, and sit and listen to the beautiful music.
Well, the family has been looking for that globe for a year, and the little boy feels really guilty. I had that globe in a box in our basement. We buy at auctions, all kinds of things, and sell them in our online store. We have had that snow globe for about a year just waiting to make some little boys Christmas a little more joyful. But, because it was so long since I had played the music I couldn’t remember the tune it played. I packed it without checking and so I worried.
It arrived ln plenty of time for Christmas, and my wife said the father was beside himself. I like when we sell stuff, and then connect with the different people, and in so many different ways. Nice whispers everybody and much love.
God bless us every one
December 15th, 2009 at 1:09 am
lawrence! First time i’ve seen your gravatar – you look exactly as i imagined. All whiskery and grandfatherly. Very very nice.—- Lovely story .
Nina – oh yes … trust. One of my favourite lessons is: “Let all things be exactly as they are” and trusting it is so.
December 15th, 2009 at 9:36 am
Lawrence so good to ’see’ you. :) Will you make a gallery next?
December 15th, 2009 at 10:33 am
I have the pernicious identity as a person whose body has been plagued with rhumatoid arthritis many years, and the cartilage has lots of potholes. I was lamenting to my brother that as I get older, people are even more quick to judge me, turn away from me. My brother pointed out that it’s an very good BS meter, and keeps the people who are judgmental away from me. I realize I am judging them for theri reactions to an entity that isn’t real, and that I can extend a thought to them even as I see them having a fear thought: bless me, holy son of god. After doing this a lot a lot and a lot, i notice that often people will just look me in the face and smile.
December 15th, 2009 at 12:01 pm
Lawrence, that is just a wonderful story, that you had the perfect snowglobe for that family at your shop.. and for so long, just waiting for that little boy’s need. At first I thought you were speaking of yourself as that little boy, then as the story took hold for me, I felt the pain of all of us “little boys that have broken our family snowglobe”… but that our Brother has saved it for us intact, for when we are ready… God Bless You Lawrence. You are a treasure…
December 15th, 2009 at 3:23 pm
#2
Oh Nina this is wonderful ! {wipes tears away} makes me so happy :)
I cant find words to tell you how much i loved this post……..
… .. am filling myself up with an image of you filling yourself up with trust.. …
………………………..
#3 Michele…. When i started the Course in earnest I wanted to begin by studying the text. When I got to the part you quoted :-
“We are ready to look more closely at the ego’s thought system because together we have the lamp that will dispel it,” it`s all i seemed to think of every day and popped into my mind whenever I had any questions but as time went on I was constantly confused. ..
“have i looked enough now Jesus?…How much longer do you want me to keep on looking ????….all the while never realizing i was really saying “have i suffered enough now Jesus?….. How much longer do you want me to keep on suffering ?….”
This continued for a long time and i knew i was not getting it. Then i discovered Ken`s tapes which were vital to my understanding, but still I was confused.
Looking was painful. Not looking was painful.
“How could i tell them apart since both were painful states ? ?????? and I was very worried about skipping steps so I thought I would err on the side of suffering so as not to make that mistake.
Anyway one day when I was listening to one of Ken`s tapes, he mentioned “my phrase” [ as I had come to think of it} and my ears pricked up and he then said that the sentence immediately following was not in the first edition { i had only had the first edition} :-
“
” Let us be very calm in doing this, for we are merely looking honestly for truth “..
I was overjoyed ! It was one of my bestest acim moments . I cant tell you how comforted I was. I felt like it was the answer I so desperately needed to “my biggest question” which I used to call it then.
I had been so busy being anxious about not being able to tell the difference between looking at, or reinforcing quilt, that i missed the point entirely.. He didnt want me to suffer at all!! { wipes off tears of gratitude} and the word “very” was like the most delicious mud cake I had ever tasted !
All that time i had been getting ready to look, a fearful, painful step……. but looking with my darling big Brother holding my hand as we glide gently above the battleground is everything else…
Thank you for letting me share! I love you darling and am so happy to hear that Peace has shifted/shafted the pain in your relationship with your daughter xoxoxoxooxoxoxoxooxo
December 15th, 2009 at 3:36 pm
New miracle this evening…they seem so small and calm, but the effect is strong: I found myself bickering about something completely unnecesary -and felt the familiar self-critisizing voice of that starting – and then I heard ” You are only calling out for Love.”
And so i stopped washing the dishes and put my arms around myself instead.
It felt so very comforting, like there was a Presence in those Arms.
December 15th, 2009 at 3:40 pm
beautiful ! absolutely beautiful ! another exquisite post Nina … big loving happy hugs to you from little me xoxoxooxoxoxoox
December 15th, 2009 at 3:55 pm
Thanks for those loving hugs, PixieLoveWinnie…Mother and Ruth-Anne and me are standing under your Tree-House in the grotto and yelling passwords up to you…we have Housegifts too…and i am going to bed now, do you think that I can have a sleepover in the Tree-House????
December 15th, 2009 at 3:55 pm
Presence and Simplicity. Exquisite is right, Winnie.
Thank-you Nina.
December 15th, 2009 at 9:54 pm
This story belongs half in the Scream-O-Torium, and half here … so I’m going to think positive and hope that healing has occurred.
You may remember my post from the “100 days” bus a week or so ago when I told of sitting on my couch late at night reading the assignment when a raccoon (which I jokingly called a masked bandit) scratched on my patio door, startling my cat Maxie and me.
Well, a few days later I was sitting on my couch late at night reading the assignment when Maxie was startled again. This time I looked up from my reading to see staring at me through the patio door an actual bandit … or at least a prowler. I went into a state of terror from which I have not yet recovered.
I called 911 and a very nice police woman came, but the guy was gone by then and there was nothing she could do except tell me to call if he came back. So I was left wondering what his intentions were and whether he would reappear. Needless to say, I haven’t slept or eaten much since then. I’m pretty good in the daylight, but at night I walk around with the phone in my hand gulping Dr. Bach’s Rescue Remedy for the terror.
I have since come to believe that the most likely cause of the visit was a drug sale drop-off or pick-up, because I found a hidden plastic bag securely attached to a bush near my window with his footprints all around it. I think he was looking in at me to see if I was observing him, and because I was, he aborted the operation. In a way it makes me feel better to think that I wasn’t the target … but then again, he may think I can identify him. So I’m left with terror.
I’m sort of proud to say that it was only two hours after the incident that it occurred to me to begin the forgiveness work. I gave it a good try, but was still so shaken that I couldn’t get much of a connection. The next day — in the daylight — I spent a good part of the day on it, and really made some progress. I focused on letting go of judgment, guilt, etc., … and have actually come to feel sincere love and oneness with the guy, making me think that maybe I healed his mind, too, and he won’t be back.
But there are lots more like him out there, and I’m still feeling terror. It has dawned on me that I have so much buried fear I wasn’t aware of, and that nothing like this has ever happened to me before to bring it to the surface to be healed. So, not wanting to waste this opportunity, I’m spending a lot of time in stillness just looking at it.
But I have a question about the significance of the word fear. The fear I’m experiencing is just pure terror … it’s more specific than the Course’s broad definition of fear, i.e., anything that isn’t love is fear. Am I missing a broader message by only focusing on the terror?
Thanks for being here, guys … I’m a basket case
December 15th, 2009 at 9:58 pm
{{{Gail near D.C.}}}
December 15th, 2009 at 10:19 pm
Wow Cordelia…you have the most beautiful gravatar ever! It just showed up when I came to this page and you are magically instantly there when someone needs a hug!
{{{Gail near D.C}}}
{{{Winnie}}} thanks for your post to me I just found and it’s funny you wrote the peace shifted/shafted cause it has shifted and when it doesn’t last permanently at times I sure want to avoid falling into the shafts of unforgiveness!
December 15th, 2009 at 10:20 pm
Gail, I’d forgive myself for being terrified. It is shattering to have your safe haven shaken, what with us still thinking we are bodies and all. Maybe install a motion detector light so that spot no longer works as a good drop off location? Even Ken put a lock on the Center’s electrical closet after it was robbed.
I’m going to need to leave advice on fear/terror and Course definition, and the man’s mind, to another more expert person than me. But, a 2 hr lag before remembering Who to ask for peace was pretty incredible.
December 15th, 2009 at 10:22 pm
Miriam your story is very beautiful and really demonstrates what is possible with loving thoughts. Thank you. xoxox
December 15th, 2009 at 10:26 pm
Big, warm, strong, bear hug Gail – you’re doing GREAT in a very terrorfying situation. Managing to work on your process at the same time as you’re shxt scared … amazing! And you can see yourself making progress! Wow girl – ya doing fantastically!
If Nina were awake she might say something like: “just be with the fear”and she’d say it a lot better’n that! But that’s the essence really – whatever the thought or emotion and however intense it is … the forgiveness process is the same … look at what’s in your mind (terror), hold Jesus’hand (tight!) try not to beat up on yourself about any of it … and maybe call a friend to come stay for the next few days ’till the terror abates a bit? Jeez where’s accimpunk when ya need him? Big hugs, truck loads of love, hang in there honey … you’re not alone.
December 15th, 2009 at 10:36 pm
Winnie love, I so love’d your sharing … that was kinda part three on your acim story! You are so lovable in your transparent vulnerability and honesty. You nudge my heart like a gentle nuzzle from a well loved and trusted animal friend.xoxoxox
December 15th, 2009 at 10:36 pm
Yeah, giant bear hugs like Al, Cordelia, and Michele are sending. {{{{{Group}}}}}
I forget to add these in because I’m such a stoic when things get scarey. I think it was Nina who once said that it’s a symptom of folks who had to take charge in emergencies when they were kids. (I’m the oldest of 7, and Mom would do something dramatic and then pass out.) I’m in the process of learning here.
December 15th, 2009 at 11:26 pm
Hi Gail. Boy what a scary deal. I’m with Katrina (and others).. I think that only a 2 hour lag to remember that “this is something to forgive” is totally awesome. Then after you do all the good and safe things you need to do for yourself in form (i.e. taking care of yourself, motion lights, police, etc.) that you’ve done, you say you can continue to process what comes up, as you’ve always done. Love it. Big steps being taken here! Thank you for this whisper. A salute’!! and ::::muchos smooches:::::
Mother
December 15th, 2009 at 11:46 pm
Miriam, Welcome!! :::giggles::: – “BS meter”, indeed!
December 16th, 2009 at 1:23 am
Hi Gail -
I second Al (and Mother Superior’s) suggestions… get a friend to come stay over for a few days, spot lights, and any other measures that make you feel better and safer. The ACIM course stuff will take care of itself, but from what I understand, attending to our worldly requirements in the normal way doesn’t diminish our love for ACIM in anyway.
Best example I can think of, from Gary Renards’ in-person seminars is:
(paraphrased here from memory)..he says something like:
“If someone is physically attacking you, that’s not the time to practice ACIM lessons. Kick the fellow in the n*$%, and make your escape. You can practice forgiveness later, at a more appropriate time…”..
Hope the two days since you first posted this have been easier for you…
Best wishes…
Anil
December 16th, 2009 at 2:16 am
Miriam – welcome! i really identify with your post – deafness is a similar people disconnector – and like you seem to have , i’ve learnt it’s my response that makes the difference. If i’m not judging myself as inadequate or them as uncaring wankers then ‘50% of the time it’s a lot easier. The other 50% accounts for when they are caring …. and i’m un/consciously choosing to be the wanker.
December 16th, 2009 at 8:48 am
Thank you all so much for your support … I knew I’d find love here … I haven’t told my story anywhere else. Especially the hugs. I was hoping for hugs … but was too shy to ask for them. And they seem to mean more when they’re unsolicited … from the heart.
Gentle, loving hugs in return … as you give you have received.
December 16th, 2009 at 9:37 am
</<New miracle. I woke up having the mother of all stomachaches. recognized it as psychosomatic, nothing wrong eaten…and waited. Heard: “I forgive myself for believeing that I am guilty.” Said it and meant it.
The pain slowly and steadily seeped out. ☼
Gail – congratulations! isn’t it wonderful when we realize in the middle of terror that we have tools for this – and then end up finding that man within and end up loving him.
When it comes to “being with” terror, it needs a “someone” to BE with it. You can only be with it as long as you are not merged with it. It really helps if you tell yourself, next time you are terrified, “something in me is terrified,” and then see if you can find where in the body the terror has lodged, and just allow it to speak -that creates this distance bewteen you, in presence, and terror, which makes it easier to be loving toward it
I remember a series of incidents that helped me deal with terror big time.. It seemed that they were orchestrated from somewhere someone who wanted me to learn. There were wild people outside the house in the nights, screaming and howling, they sounded drugged and insane. MOstly I was in bed, thinking they would barge in any time.
I then realised that when small and young, I had been attacked for years and stuffed it somewhere. Now I realised that my way of reaction came from old unresolved issues. Then i thought “MAYBE” this happens so that I can get in touch with that terror in the past.” So I decided to believe in that. The something strange happened: the last night with these crazynesses I at last was brave enough to call the police. It took some time to crawl out of the bed, must not put light on to let them see I was awake..veeery slowly I crawled into another room and lifted the receiver and called. A nice officer answered, and needed a pencil from his collegue to note down my complaint. In the meantime, I heard his collegue’s voice, talking in the phone – mentioning the adress of my nabor: he had locked himself out, and he needed them to come and break in.
And the crazy dangerous man I though i heard -who was really angry and walked across my lawn and yelled at someone…it was his dog! and and – he was now sitting on his stairs and smoking.Very angry, but normal.
Now, this was staged excellently for my learning, I have to say – for me to hear his name and adress exactly the moment while his collegue was getting a pencil. An d while i was relaxing, and could think back, i realised that most of the terror i had felt had been my own fantasising, based on earlier not-consciously experienced shock-stuff. I saw how much i co-created that stuff, by believing in its seriosuness.
In that moment, when realizing that the terror may just been a re-run of m,y old waking night-mares, I felt a great gratitude, and there has been no more disturbances like that later. A little loud partying, that’s all.
December 16th, 2009 at 6:13 pm
A healing may have occurred. My mind has been feeling like a viscious hurricane lately. And, I have been forgiving and asking for help. It seems like sometimes the Holy Spirit helps me with comforting songs. This is the one I heard yesterday!
Sing a song
Sing out loud
Sing out strong
Sing of good things not bad
Sing of happy not sad
(*) Sing, sing a song
Make it simple to last
Your whole life long
Don’t worry that it’s not
Good enough for anyone
Else to hear
Just sing, sing a song
La la la la la
La la la la la la…
my mind is less worried and more calm, I feel happier and lighter today.
December 16th, 2009 at 7:32 pm
That’s wonderful Charlene. And this is a great song. I haven’t heard it for a long time but it only took a minute to remember the tune. Now I feel joyful. Full circle. Love and hugs, DonnaD.
December 16th, 2009 at 7:57 pm
Thank you, Nina. I know exactly what you mean about the incident occurring for the purpose of bringing my terror out of hiding and into the light where it can be dissolved. This is why I’m trying so hard to stay with it instead of re-stuffing it … so that I don’t have to have another scary situation to bring it out again.
I had an interesting realization today which I think may also relate to this fear/terror business. I remember posting some time ago on the “100 days bus” about how I had trouble believing that I have an unconscious fear of God … like the Course says I do … because consciously I feel only unconditional love from God and see nothing to fear. Boy was I wrong!
While reading something in the Course –Chapter 29, Section I, The Closing of the Gap — it clicked for me that since my brother IS God, and since I clearly fear my brother … as recent events pointed out … then obviously I DO fear God. And I’m wondering if another purpose of my terror incident was to show me where I have work to do.
T-29.I.2. “Here (in the gap between my brother and me) is the fear of God most plainly seen.”
____________________
And thank you, Charlene, for the song. Now I’m singing it, too, and it feels great!
And thanks to everyone else for just being love …
December 16th, 2009 at 8:40 pm
Gail I am a hugger, I would rather hug someone than shake their hand, so consider your self hugged. Charlene, now the song is stuck in my head, but who can complain with such lyrics? Nina, we may co-create in the dream, what plays out based on what happened to us in the dream in an earier period. It isn’t real, but it sure as hell seems like it is. But, the picture we paint, as you alluded to is part past, and part our present projection. The course teaches us it is all projection and equally unreal. It is a hard lesson to learn and your bravery and sharing along this road is a gift that keeps on giving. Thank You!
God bless us every one
December 16th, 2009 at 8:52 pm
God Bless YOU, Lawrence, consider yourself hugged as well. Love to you.
December 16th, 2009 at 9:17 pm
Charlene the tune is with me now. For whatever reason I had a day full of joy today and I’m not analyzing it, I’m just enjoying it, accepting it.
Peace and Joy everyone.
December 16th, 2009 at 9:18 pm
Love to Y’all, eh.
All of Y’all.
December 16th, 2009 at 10:04 pm
Gail in DC ~ I’m glad to you’re finding hugs,thoughts on how to deal with terror stories,appreciation for how quickly you came to thinking about forgiveness, and just such gentle and wise loving thoughts of welcome from everyone here.
Charlene ~ Thanks for the comforting song and I’m happy to hear you were on the receiving end of comforting thoughts today.
Ruth Anne…beautiful sign off and ditto it says me.
December 16th, 2009 at 11:26 pm
{{{Blue Circle Group Hug!}}}
December 17th, 2009 at 6:39 am
Yep…I’m right in the blue circle with ya’all! ;-)
Love and Gratitude,
melody
December 17th, 2009 at 10:03 am
41: ♥I’m In!♥ (Found the caracter map at last: they called it signmap in Norwegian bless them
December 17th, 2009 at 6:51 pm
The Amazing Day continues, I just checked my inbox and I get a monthly newsletter from a physio group in Australia and the title of the Dec. newletter is “You are not your Thoughts”. Again I feel gifted. Such a simple thing yet it makes me feel blessed. This power of choice that we have is HUGE. Peace and Joy Bev
December 18th, 2009 at 2:09 pm
What with all the renovations plus Christmas around the corner i am unable to catch up but i always come to the blue circle room…
Thank you for sharing Miriam … hugs to you !
Gail i read your story a while ago and didnt have time to respond….I really felt for you and was sending you lots of inner hugs !
Interesting how the racoon, masked and all, was a portender of the prowler…..
I really love this bit:-
“It has dawned on me that I have so much buried fear I wasn’t aware of, and that nothing like this has ever happened to me before to bring it to the surface to be healed. So, not wanting to waste this opportunity, I’m spending a lot of time in stillness just looking at it.”
……………….
When you talked about the “significance of the word fear” as opposed to “terror” it put me in mind of how a small twinge of annoyance is the same as a raging river. At first i used to wonder whether – “Hmmmm… does He mean underneath the small twinge there is always a raging river …… or does He mean …. sometimes small twinges are just small twinges but it dont matter anyhoo `cause one tiny twinge = one raging river = one tiny mad idea = hell..
I decided it was the latter and another way of saying that there is no order of difficulties in miracles.
love to all in the circle !
December 18th, 2009 at 3:15 pm
Winnie-you being busy anall…may I go up into the Tree-House when you are not there? I so loved it.
December 18th, 2009 at 5:19 pm
{{hugs}} and hellos to everyone. Just getting caught up after being in the internet ‘No loading’ zone for a couple days.
December 18th, 2009 at 7:14 pm
Hi Pam. Nice to see you. Warm hugs. DD.
December 18th, 2009 at 8:38 pm
Hi DonnaD, hugs back.
December 19th, 2009 at 5:15 am
{faint voice floats on the air from outside somewhere in the grotto } Yoohoo Nina !!!
December 19th, 2009 at 2:02 pm
Who am I ???
: – I have a basement full of toys and goodies
: – My business is fulfilling wishes and mending broken hearts
: – I love children
: – I`ve got a big loving heart
: – and I look a lot like Father Christmas
You guessed it – Santa Clawrence ! {see post #10}
……………….
#33 Nina this journeying through terror that you describe is frickin awesome ! Of all your stories this one is my very favourite ….. it deserves 10 gold stars !
#36 Gail i really appreciate the way you are sharing your process with us… You are so honest with yourself and such a willing student.
“I had an interesting realization today which I think may also relate to this fear/terror business. I remember posting some time ago on the “100 days bus” about how I had trouble believing that I have an unconscious fear of God … like the Course says I do … because consciously I feel only unconditional love from God and see nothing to fear. Boy was I wrong!
While reading something in the Course –Chapter 29, Section I, The Closing of the Gap — it clicked for me that since my brother IS God, and since I clearly fear my brother … as recent events pointed out … then obviously I DO fear God. And I’m wondering if another purpose of my terror incident was to show me where I have work to do.”
Hugs to everyone here!
December 20th, 2009 at 3:47 am
hugs back atcha winnie – you always crack me up … loved your sweet post about
yourthe tree-house being communal property.December 20th, 2009 at 6:26 am
Gail {{Hugs}}
December 21st, 2009 at 9:08 am
Good evening from Norway – this a day where things turns, in the terms of Solstice. It turned for me this night big time, and have now turned back, but on a higher rung of the spiral.And it IS a miracle of mind, so here goes:
I have a client who has much repressed and denied fear, and one of them is for borders and rules for the therapy. She seems driven to disrespect them, and won’t see that she is doing it. This touches an old wound in me – and for that I am grateful: I SOO want to heal that wound of being invaded, taken advantaged on.
She has a session tomorrow, and this night was filled with the poisenous anticipation of being exposed to this disrespect again. There is plenty terror in there. So I choose to se all this with the H.S, and did not sense any differecer at all – until I felt a HUGE terror, and heard The Small Voice: “It’s not serious.”
In that second I believed it completely. All terror was gone. All my thoughts about our therapy-situation and the dread ofbeing stuck in it with her, gone. All the usual thoughts in that situation, gone. All tensions when thinking about the relationship with my daughter – gone. All my nervousness – gone.All insecurities about the book-manuscript – gone. All feqars about health and old age alone and all of that – gone. Whatever I thought of – and the ego showed me a LOT :-)
I just knew none of it was serious, and so all beliefs that upheld all of these fears were gone.
I was in this state of mind for about 2 hours I think, fell asleep and had a really nasty dream. When i woke up, it was seemingly back to old business again – But: it was like when all the old fears now came up in my mind, the harshest insistence of their reality had gone.
So now the ice-cold is back in the body and the bonemarrow it seems, but it is easier to be gentle with it: it’s just a process, and I know the end is good.
With the words of Little Tim and Lawrence:
God bless us everyone
December 21st, 2009 at 12:52 pm
oh faint …. this is wonderful wonderful ! bless you our darling Nina
December 21st, 2009 at 1:37 pm
and OH how good that blessing felt. THANK YOU Winnie.
December 21st, 2009 at 7:12 pm
Hugs {{{Nina}}} Thank you for your inspiring whisper! I was happy to read it because I feel like a little healing may have occurred for me as well. I have been getting to the point in my life where I am telling Jesus, I just can’t live like this anymore (all while I am watching myself want to live like this). I keep saying to myself feeling this guilt and terror and dread is no longer worth it. Please show me a better way. I am beginning to allow myself to experience a deeper sense of peace these past few days. I am still having all of the usual ego thoughts (anger, jealousy, insecurity, etc.), but I am not so invested in the feeling of guilt for having them. My mind seems to be a little better at not dwelling on the guilt and fear. I am watching the thoughts and noticing them, but I am better at seeing I am just pushing love away. So I have been watching this process with gentleness. I feel like I am really letting myself learn that anger is never justified and love holds no grievances, especially when I am determined to be angry and have grievances. This is new for me. I am not taking myself so seriously these past few days and it feels good to be peaceful and not so attached to the outcome of my life. I feel like my mind is getting more used to the ideas that there is an alternative to fear, and peace is actually something that I value. It has been hard to acknowledge that nothing here will ever bring me peace, but I am getting more used to the idea of real peace. I am still have ego-attacks but I am not taking them as seriously as I did last week when I was determined to be miserable. I usually wake up in the morning with so much dread in my mind and it takes time for me to forgive myself and start the day. But today, I woke up and I asked Jesus to be with me throughout the day. I asked to be guided towards peace. I had a few moments during the day where I chose against peace, but I didn’t take it as seriously. It is just a process and it is wonderful to hear about your journey Nina. Peace to you!
December 21st, 2009 at 8:00 pm
It is wonderful to hear about your journey too Charlene… i am happy for you…..
p.s. Every time i come here i think of you singing your song not worrying about whether its good enough for anyone else to hear and we are doing the harmony with you and we actually sound good babe ! xoxoxooxoxoxoxooxoxoxoxoxooxo
December 21st, 2009 at 10:11 pm
{{{Blue Circle Group Hug}}} I just love reading these whispers!
December 23rd, 2009 at 11:08 am
I posted this paragraph on the class page: http://www.acimmonk.com/class-peace-or-projection.html#comment-10794 but also wanted to add it here to the Blue Circle, as it represents some healing of my mind. I am grateful for it.::
“I am thrilled that these classes are helping me change my thinking, and I am experiencing less fear. I can feel the changes as I experience some bad health days, I am noticing that I am not as fearful. In fact, I’m a little nonchalant about it. This is the part where I turn and look around the room, wondering when the real Debbi is gunna show up. LOL – This is a very big deal for me. I am choosing Peace more often.
Wahoo!
Thank you Monk”
December 23rd, 2009 at 6:31 pm
For Christmas i want to share this : MY BEST EXPERIENCE EVER : a pre-Course experience…..
Foreword –
Until I became a wife and mother I don’t recall ever “feeling good about myself” as they say. Even as a little girl I knew I was bad to the core and I as grew up and after then, I hated hearing nice things about myself, hence my aversion to my gracious mother-in-law. After my family broke, and my dark night of the soul began, I was determined to find the truth no matter how ugly, no matter what the cost.
I used to go out at night and silently scream to the universe – “Do your worst!”…. I decided i would let nothing stop me in my quest for the truth.
………………………………………. ……. …..
Several years ago my daughter was going through marriage breakdown. Two of my sons and I went over to comfort her. All day she talked and sobbed until finally she was spent and lay on the couch.
She has always found it relaxing to have her hair stroked and her feet tickled .
One son sat at her feet and gently massaged them. I started stroking her hair. No one said anything. In the distance could be heard the happy sounds of my youngest son playing ball with her son to keep him away from the crisis.
As I continued to stroke her hair I reflected on how very dearly I loved and cared about her. ……..
Then loudly and unmistakably clearly, quite different thoughts arose from underneath :-
I don’t really love or care about her at all……….. and if I don’t care about my precious beloved daughter, then truly I don’t care about anyone at all
And without that I had nothing… I was nothing…. I am nothing, nothing at all
In that moment I knew I had found My Truth. I have never been clearer or surer of anything .
I didn’t query the thoughts. I didn’t fight them.
I felt the cleanest I have ever felt .
It was the best moment of my life because I had found the truth and true to my word I accepted it completely . There was no sorrow, disappointment or grief upon recognition of my deepest fears.
On the contrary I felt happy, peaceful and then grateful.
All the while stroking my daughter`s hair with nary a trace of this, the most wonderful experience of my life, showing on my face.
And then ………………………………
From somewhere outside of me seemingly from down the corridor a rush of something inexplicably wonderful came rushing down into my head and right through me and then out of my hands and into my daughter… I felt like I was just a pencilled outline being filled up with the ineffable opposite of nothing, and then it was gone.
.
[Footnote – this had no seeming effect on my daughter/ life just continued on normally.}
December 23rd, 2009 at 6:44 pm
Wow Winnie – that’s an awesome story -a wonderful experience. I think you did a good job describing it.
Today I noticed that I haven’t had uncontrollable attack thoughts in traffic, or at work any more, since a few weeks ago…
Does anyone remember us talking about them? I didn’t even try to make them stop..they were just *gone*
Now, when some one is talking, I no longer think to myself thoughts like “what a freakin’ dumb-ass”
I look at the person and really get caught up in what they are trying to say. Wow!
Just like it once was – I’m back to trusting the Universe again.
December 23rd, 2009 at 6:52 pm
Winnie, what an incredible experience. I am glad you so graciously shared it with us. Huge hugs, DD.
December 23rd, 2009 at 6:55 pm
Thank you Donna and Tex…. it brings tears to my eyes to at last have kindred spirits to share this with… Thank you so much for giving me the space….
December 23rd, 2009 at 7:00 pm
Winnie…
Thanks for sharing your story. I sometimes wonder how many or what kind of “truth” moments I block in any given moment, hour, day. I also wonder how much work it takes
to block them. I so want to unblock in the coming moments, days, year. So grateful
for your testimony of this my greater awareness because of it.
Hugs!
December 23rd, 2009 at 7:03 pm
Winnie ~
Now that’s one of the best Christmas presents ever and just when I needed it.
I stumbling trying to say what a powerful effect your honest story has on me. You did a perfectly beautiful job telling it- including the ps. My intrepretation of your ending is tht you got to feel the instant beyond words experience of not being left comfortless. {{{{xoxox}}}}
December 23rd, 2009 at 7:50 pm
Winnie, that is beautiful, just beautiful… thank you for telling us, and so eloquently. I am richer every time I hear these tales of acceptance of Truth and Love. Thank you!!
Love to you,
Mother
December 23rd, 2009 at 8:34 pm
Mother, Michele and Laura….. Thank you for your loving comments…hugs to all
December 24th, 2009 at 12:20 am
Winnie, I think in your story, the feeling you were experiencing when you said “something inexplicably wonderful came rushing down into my head and right through me and then out of my hands and into my daughter,” I think as I am sure you do that it was a prelude of what you were to study and learn. But, in truth already knew on a deeper level.
God help me, but I am getting to the point where as you have said “I don’t really love or care about her at all……… and if I don’t care about my precious beloved daughter, then truly I don’t care about anyone at all”. You see I accept what the course teaches, and this profound statement you made and this statement “I had found the truth and true to my word I accepted it completely” well, I feel the same way. It isn’t that you don’t care on this level, but when seen with I think, Christ vision it a whole other ballgame.
I don’t say this lightly. I am typing this as my youngest daughter just went to bed. We just watched Bono and the Edge on the Spectrum with Elvis Costello. She is the first to come out for the holidays. She survived a rare cancer at 15 years old. She met Bono and U2, and Bono sang to her during the Elevation tour in 2001, plus gave her a pair of his glasses. She was a Make-A-Wish girl, anyway she goes to bed and I read your whisper and it just hit me so close to home. I remember when I had cancer the first time, she was just 4 or 5 and she was so concerned. But yet when I am honest with myself, I would give up this precious young woman, her sisters, her mom and her brother to be home again. I feel sure you saw the beauty of what that would be like in the truth of that moment with you daughter.
How blessed you are Winnie. It doesn’t matter if you can recall what that felt like or not. It matters because it was, and because it is. I think we are all afraid to give up what we have here with our loved ones, because it seems like some sort of betrayal. But in truth it is the only truth that matters. It takes trust, and love, and faith, and hope, and that little willingness to get to the peace that passeth all understanding, and you had more than a glimpse of that understanding; and through your sharing so did we. Thank you, and God bless you and yours this Christmas and everyday.
God bless us every one.
December 24th, 2009 at 5:35 am
I just read it to, Win. It made me feel soo calm. No striving no stress no nothing…but that nothingness that I felt just now was very full, somehow. But full of Nothing:-)
I love you so much.
December 26th, 2009 at 11:04 pm
Dear dear Lawrence
i felt so close to you just now reading your whisper, my brother. ……..Thank you for your blessings ALL of them………
When i was at boarding school, we had to go to church every Sunday which i found boring, except for the pretty stained glass windows and the very last words the minister always said – “May the peace of God which passeth all understanding be amongst you and remain with you always” – How i loved to hear those words !
Bless you and all of your loved ones and especially your daughters..
……………………………
Nina i love you too …..
December 28th, 2009 at 2:59 pm
Beautiful decision happened today, in a Focusing-sesion with companion in New Zealand. I was aware of a part of me that wanted to win and be stronger than another part that always bullied the first part – like invading it REALLY bad.
And I saw that healing would not be about the weaker part coming into power and sending out the invading part – the healing would come as soon as I decided to let go of the need for this game to go on.
I was SO aware that this was a completely futile game, and that I was done with it.
And so I gave my not-so-little willingness to Love, and felt a great warmth flowing in.
May I remember this each and every day. May I be reminded and remember that I have chosen.
December 28th, 2009 at 3:00 pm
OK I need to point out that all these parts in post 72 are parts INSIDE MYSELF and nobody else :-)
December 28th, 2009 at 3:06 pm
wonderful Nina ! I LOVE it !
December 28th, 2009 at 3:19 pm
Nina,
Liked that, reminds me of my integration process I sent you :)
G.
December 29th, 2009 at 2:28 am
Today I managed to get that blue dot into the blue circle, even for a short time. From the morning I was kinda depressed, feeling victim, helpless, etc. kinda usual stuff I experience. Tried many things, tried to consciously breath, tried not to do anything, tried to let go, tried not to try, tried to focus on that, tried to realize I am doing this to myself, that it is my decision, but nothing helped… and then after some time it suddenly hit me when I listened to New Year Themes (first page of acimmonk website) where Ken tells us about decision – I am choosing to be victim! Choosing to be helpless… Then the blue dot got out of the blue circle because it just can’t stay in the same place for a long time, you know ;) But it was still nice to experience what I am doing and not just try to do something about it…
December 29th, 2009 at 3:35 am
I’m celebrating that one with you gabrielius – you sounded a bit like monk at the start and i was giggling – and then just felt so … proud? / good? / warm? / for you having this experiance … it all counts toward the willingness to continue – yes? You go man! … and i love your thoughtful questions and honest posts – they always feel very genuinely humble. (Still laughing) – ‘tried to stop trying’ – oh YES!
December 29th, 2009 at 7:21 am
Thanks Al, I liked your post, kinda live post and filled with energy ;) Keep it up! I laughed when I read that I sounded like monk, hehe ;)
December 29th, 2009 at 11:45 pm
Tonight 36 years ago when I was just 22 my father died of a stroke. I was just discharged Dec. 14th from the Air Force after serving 4 years. Our family was poor by earthly standards, but there were 7 children who loved each other and their parents very much, so we were rich indeed. Always I get depressed when I think about this period in my life, the old blame game we love to play with ourselves. But, this year it didn’t happen and I caught myself feeling as if I were trying to make it happen, but I didn’t.
I have mentioned before that I was a student of The Self Realization Fellowship, founded by Paramanhansa Yogananda. I bring this up because my dad was asking me if I believed in hell and if because he didn’t do all the things the catholic church taught, did I think he might go there. I looked at this man with Paul Newman blue eyes, that most always held a twinkle Saint Nick would be proud to have. I saw for the first time the lamp was low, the fire gone and it killed me to see it.
I just told him that there was no hell other than the one we created, and even if there were he sure the hell wasn’t going there. The war was still raging in Vietnam and if we forgot, it was on TV it seemed 24/7 to remind us of its reality. And we as a family, struggled to survive the day to day, there was never enough money to go around. I explained to my dad as best I could what I believed, though I wasn’t a course student (It hadn’t been published yet)the path I was following was a path home to God as well.
I wasn’t to find my path home for many years yet, but I am thankful for what I had found. I didn’t know how strongly I felt about God and our purpose and goals in life until they came pouring out of me. The troubled look in dads eyes seemed to disappear, the fire didn’t come back but some of the twinkle did! That was my dads last Christmas gift to me. He was proud of me, and I knew it. I had forgotten that until tonight, what a gift that is! I remember just being grateful that what told him had eased his worry. I just remember telling him that if heaven wouldn’t have him then it was no place I wanted to be. The rest of what I told him I don’t remember.
I wrote jamie about this awhile ago, and mentioned it in a post here, how we both weren’t there when our dads died. I felt guilty for not being there, tonight I was given a gift. I would play this forward to you dear monk, for I know in my heart of hearts your dad was proud of you too! And when he thought of you, he thought of love, for what else is there?
God bless us every one for he has blessed me this Dec. 29th 2009
December 29th, 2009 at 11:52 pm
Our beloved Lawrence ….thank you for such a heartfelt whisper ! Thank you for all the detail…. thank you for your sincerity and thank you for being you …. we love you xoxoox…your Dad was a lucky Dad to have had such a loving son
December 30th, 2009 at 1:02 am
Dear, dear Lawrence:
You bless us every time you write…thank you, thank you, thank you.
A big hug, and lots of love.
December 30th, 2009 at 3:05 am
Thanks dear lawrence…your whisper from the heart touched my heart and the gift you gave your father (of helping him not to worry) will be with you both forever.
thanks for sharing – big hugs dear brother,
joe : )
p.s. i love this line – “I just remember telling him that if heaven wouldn’t have him then it was no place I wanted to be” – i love that…and thankfully heaven is for all of Us.
December 30th, 2009 at 3:12 am
my heart smiles with you brother lawrence … such a loving gentle healing. You’re so right anil – he blesses us with his sharing.
December 30th, 2009 at 3:39 am
Dearest Lawrence ~
What a gift you experienced tonight. Remembering the Love and Humor you shared when your Dad needed you and that it came upon you when you might have felt the old familiar pain was a gift to hear. Thank you for your story and the love in your heart.
December 30th, 2009 at 4:56 am
Lawrence…what hope you give to me in your sharing of this anniversary of your father’s passing. Thank you, Teacher. When you said, “Always I get depressed when I think about this period in my life, the old blame game we love to play with ourselves. But, this year it didn’t happen and I caught myself feeling as if I were trying to make it happen, but I didn’t.” Wow…this is BIG. You chose differently this year. It inspires me to choose differently, too.
Big Hug!
LTS
December 30th, 2009 at 8:39 am
Dearest Lawrence, what a gift you have given us. And what a pleasure it was to open the door to the Monastery this morning and to read your message first off. You are a treasure and a light and you bring a message that many of us can relate to in some way. You make my heart smile, Lawrence. Thank you. May peace be with you. Much love, DD.
December 30th, 2009 at 11:22 am
Yes, I felt that blessing too, through you, Lawrence. It makes me so happy to think of you being there, smiling, now. There is always this silence around you. I can rest when I read you. Always.
December 30th, 2009 at 12:25 pm
Lawrence.. We are so blessed with your words.. always.. that’s why I get a kick out of your signature “God Bless Us Every One” because with each whisper, you give this very thing. I am grateful for you, sweet brother, and so happy that you have received this healing in regards to your Dad’s passing. He truly was one lucky father to have been so loved by you.
Love,
Mother
December 30th, 2009 at 2:39 pm
I have been going out at night with my dog, a golden retriever named Peyton. We live in an old farm house on a horse farm. Peyton likes to visit the horses and they like her. Last night a fire ball or meteor shot across the sky, it seemed so close, I felt like I could touch it. Peyton saw it first, she sees everything and I looked at her and turned around just in time to see this beautiful, bright fire ball with a long bright tail dropping from the heavens.
I ran in like a little kid, and told my wife. She asked me if I was sure, she said maybe it was a plane or something. It wasn’t, but we live about an hour away from where flight 93 went down, so I understood her asking me that. This was earlier in the evening around nine o’clock. It was around 2 in the morning when I posted about my dad. The thing is when I take Peyton out I always look up and ask for a show, you know tempting God. I would laugh to myself when I did this, saying things like Bill Thetford could get theater seats when he wanted and people say they can get parking spots. So of course here I am at night freezing my but off asking God to do card tricks for me, in a world that doesn’t exist. All I wanted was a meteor so I knew God or Jesus was aware of me!
So last night I am quiet and reflective, my mind is still and I don’t even notice, I am just there. And, that it when I see this beautiful light in the sky. I did some research when I went in the house, and found out they were common. I didn’t care, I thought so am I and people don’t see me everyday. It wasn’t until after I posted my whisper that I wondered if dad was saying hello. Just so you know I had tears running down my cheeks, when I was typing my whisper. I felt my dad and or Jesus there with me. So my dear friends any blessing you felt was from them, but love I always send, unless of course ego is typing and then it is just another forgiveness opportunity. We are all teachers and students, that is the beauty of this place our monk has given us, to teach and learn from each other.
I love you all and thank you for your on going kindness to me. I am nothing, or no one special. I am just another lost sheep trying to go home. I am thankful for all of you, my new friends that brighten my life in so many ways. Our stories, our living our lives in this house of cards, our sharing, it is life as we think it is. But, life as it is, is also our experience for truly we are at home in God only dreaming of exile. jamie, Ken, Gary and others can help us along our path, and are a true blessing indeed, but it is our little willingness that will win the day.
My father was a bright shinning star, and now I know he still is!
Happy New Year & God bless us every one
December 30th, 2009 at 3:26 pm
will you please let me love you even though you are not here?:-)???I am not here either – but Love surely is, and uses PC’s and Monasteries and comets and dogs and Lawrences to show it to us -
for that I am so grateful
December 30th, 2009 at 4:34 pm
Lawrence….thank you for a most lovely gift.
With Gratitude,
melody
December 30th, 2009 at 8:12 pm
Nina -
how beautifully said….. “but Love surely is…. and uses PC’s and Monasteries and comets and dogs and Lawrence to show it to us…”
December 30th, 2009 at 8:18 pm
I know Anil, she is so awesome is our Nina. and Lawrence too.
December 30th, 2009 at 8:21 pm
Happy New Years Anil!!!
December 30th, 2009 at 8:27 pm
Hi Ruth-Anne, hello dear Mother Superior…
Happy New Year to you both… and to all our family here..
Love is surely here….
December 30th, 2009 at 8:30 pm
It surely is Anil. In you.
December 31st, 2009 at 12:32 pm
I am feeling very mellow and calm at this moment, after reading our Monk’s message…and, I always see something new that I missed reading or “taking in” on the last visit…
So, I just need to say, even tho all of you loving *people know it at some level…thank you all so very much for the Love and sharing…whether I accidentally “miss” calling you by name…please know that gratitude and Love for all of you is there..
“Let’s make this year different by making it all the same.” ;-)
December 31st, 2009 at 12:47 pm
ditto post #92
glad you’re feeling mellow melody:)
request to our mixologist (Ruthie) for a blue dot drink if possible for tonight
January 2nd, 2010 at 12:05 am
I want to thank all of you who showed such gentleness in you whispers concerning my dad. It touched me deeply. I #80 Winnie my dad and I were lucky to have eachother and I am lucky to call you friend. #81 Anil, you bless us with your whispers my traveling friend, and huggs right back at you. #82 Joe, “the gift you gave your father (of helping him not to worry) will be with you both forever.” that was beautiful Joe, thank you for that. #83 Al you bless us with your whispers sweeheart, you are a bright light in the heavens for all to see. #84 Michele, thank you for your kindness, and the love in your heart you so readly share.
#85 Laura, “You chose differently this year. It inspires me to choose differently, too.” thank you luv may we both make it a habit. #86 DonnaD thank you for the kindness and love you always bring with you. #87 Nina, you said: There is always this silence around you. I can rest when I read you. Always.the silence is because I am dummer than a stick, and you rest because you fall asleep reading my whispers lol seriously I felt your love, thank you. #88 Your mothership, it was indeed a healing, and you are one special mother, and I mean that in the best possible way. Thank you for all you do, we all appreciate it!
#91 Melody tis the eson for gifts and your whisper was one as well, thank yo luv. #93 Rth-Anne thank you for your kind words always, and for your friendship. #98 LaAnnie, “but Love surely is…. truer words were never spoken.
Now it is late around 2 in the morning and my dog wants me to take her out. It is below zero chill factor. I wouldn’t take her out, but God spelled backwards is dog, so I think I better, just in case. Nuff Said!
God bless us every one
January 2nd, 2010 at 2:00 am
Thanks again for sharing dear lawrence – we are all blessed to have each other : )
January 4th, 2010 at 12:19 am
OK, I was out in subzero temps, with my dog peyton. It is late, and now taking her out before bed is a ritual of sorts. There was maybe 3 inches of new powder and the outside trees and barn were blueish white, simply beautiful. Peyton started barking and chasing what she thought was a critter but turned out to be a large chunk of ice. I fell and banged my shoulder and bumped my head.
All is well, came in and had a cup of tea would you believe? And then I stopped in and had a drink at The Blue Circle, a spiritual watering hole of sorts. I must have bumped my head harder than I thought, because the blue background of the page was white, it looked pretty cool, the thumb nail picture things were on the left side between the numbers and the name, and that looked good too, but what stood out the most was the Image Monk chose for his site. It was only the hands and the globe that was blue, all else was white. So the square blue boarder wasn’t there at all, leaving the blue earth and the hands that held them swimming in a sea of white. It kinda made me want to sing “He got the whole world in His hands….”
I am not real sure why I posted this, other than wondering I guess if Monk, Jane or perhaps Emm were working on the site. I like it the way it is but thought maybe I was somewhere else, so to speak. Much love for all your hard work!
If this doesn’t make sense, then as one of my favorite people used to say, “Never Mind!” (Gilda Radner)
God bless us every one
January 4th, 2010 at 12:27 am
Hi Lawrence.. I don’t think anybody’s working on the site… I sure hope your head’s going to be ok.. it sounds kind of serious. Please take good care of yourself…
Love,
Mother
January 4th, 2010 at 1:36 am
I’d say if you’re seeing well enough to type and whisper … you can’t be that bad … but do be gentle with yourself lawrence ( joins the singing keeping a close watch on brother lawrence)
January 4th, 2010 at 4:41 am
Golly, Lawrence! *ouch*
MoM said it – take good care…
January 4th, 2010 at 8:38 am
Lawrence re: #99 just yesterday I was thinking to myself did any of us ever say dog spelled backwards is God to Mother Superior before her name change?
No wonder she got the job :)
Now Regarding your nightly walk with God…please get back to us on how you’re feeling today. Any nausea or did the tea do it’s magic?
On a completely different note you are the second person, I think it was Winnie who has referred to these pages being blue. I’m I the only one who sees purple?
Annie
January 4th, 2010 at 8:58 am
Lawrence, hugs to you and light for your owie. I hope all is well for you today.
LaAnnie, I too see the pages as purple or maybe a periwinkle blue (which to me is a purple-ish hue). Hugs.
January 4th, 2010 at 9:01 am
Nope. Annie, I see them as purple too.:)
And yes the DoG, GoD thing was noticed. We have so many brilliant people here, not much slides by unnoticed. I think it might have been her that noticed herself but I am not positive about that.
Lawrence, I too am waiting to hear from you that you are alright. Loving thoughts your way, always.
January 4th, 2010 at 9:41 am
Thanks for the quick response ladies. I wish I had time to comment on all the great posts so far today but I’ve got to run.
Love and Hugs to all my monkling brothers and sisters.
Have a Blessed Day.
Annie
January 4th, 2010 at 10:32 am
Hi LaAnnie! Yes, I did notice the DoG, GoD thing and did some ’spooning’ on my name in the Snuggery.. Last to come up was Gretti Darbo… I also pondered at times if in such a ‘cat loving’ Monastery that having a “DoG” name might not be such a good idea.. Then Dreamy made friends with the dogs next door on the mountain and I knew being a DoG was going to be just fine.
And I see dark blue (like the cover of our blue book – ACIM) on the edges, and lighter blue (yes maybe periwinkle) in the middle of our pages.. Besides each computer seeing ‘color’ a bit differently, I think compared to say, the pure baby blue color, our pages might seem like purple to some.. and I think Monk may have said (in a class?) that he loves the color blue.
Your mileage may vary.. and probly does… {;-))
January 4th, 2010 at 1:40 pm
I am fine, seeing a Doc. in the morning for other stuff, but will have him check me out concerning the fall. Actually the fall must of looked pretty funny, ” I fell “ass over tin cups” my father would say. I should have just stuck with the change I saw on the page and the snow outside. I didn’t think to factor in the love that is a constant in the monastery. Tis a good problem to have, wouldn’t you say? Truly we are fortunate to have a place of healing such as the monastery. The other stuff I will try and keep out side, when I can’t I can always go to The Infirmary. Love you all and thanks for your whispers.
God bless us every one
January 4th, 2010 at 2:01 pm
Lawrence buddy -
I like those lines… “I should have just stuck…..” and “I didn’ think to factor in the love that…..”. If I think it’s saying, what I think you’re saying :), then I understand even more of how you think – (I think the same way ;))
Good to hear all well, dear friend…
Anil
ps. Ruth-Anne, I’m still writing you responses to number 96 in my mind !! :) (Like you, I often don’t have the words I need/want to express what I want to say….)
January 5th, 2010 at 9:10 pm
Yesterday, I read the Two Uses of Time. (From the Chapter, the Holy Instant (Chapter 15, if memory serves me right)
And since then, everytime in the last two days that I feel anxious about doing something on-time, or being hurried, in body (arms flailing, rushing about like a chicken with its head chopped off) and or in mind (feelings of anxiety or irritation) about rushing to some meeting, the phrase “The Two Uses of Time” pops into my mind.
From nowhere…
And instantly, I find myself breathing easier, and feeling lighter. Quite fascinating what the Holy Spirit can do in an instant…..
January 7th, 2010 at 2:24 pm
This evening I experienced a milestone -something inside opened up, and allowed me to see why in this life I have this need to “help” people. Nothing wrong with helping – but my helping has often has attached to it an (before this) unconscious belief that I am responsible for the person’s life and welfare – and that all my value lies in my helping them AND achieving a positive result – which is a real powertrip, I see now.
This is different than being co’dependent – psychologically and unconsciously the responsibility is being given, collectively by the family, the responsiblity for my father’s mental balance: you do whatever he wants, so he won’t kill us.
This insight came today, after dear Jamie told us that advises were creeping into our whispers, and i sensed a cringe – which meant to me that I had done that with Mother. I mentioned EFT for her, as if she did not knwo about it – sigh – and that made me think why in the world that was so important for me.
And suddenly a big wall inside crashed, and I saw this baby and child and youth that got this impossible responsibility, and believed it to be real and fair and deserved. Bought the whole package.
And as i saw this, i saw how I could say now what I never knew I could say then- that this is simply not true: I don’t have any responsibility for anybody’s mental or physical health.Or well-being.Or good mood. As soon as I saw my old belief, I let it go: meaningless.Insane.
And having said that – to myself and H.S. – and known it to be true, it was like a process within started that had had to wait until I was willing to let go of this old belief … and I felt such gratitude for the whole process here, that led me to the moment when I was led to the insight of the role i thought had – my family’s “saviour.”
The whole day I had felt an enormous wish, impulse to kill – it was the impuls underneath that belief. It is a pleasure, and I mean it, to just allow that impulse to be here now without judging it.Of course I wanted to kill him. And my mother. And my brother.
And yes I know that I planned this, that I am not a victim of anyone but my own choice – but going there too soon is not good for me – I will really indulge in the killing -impulses and just let them be.
So Mother, will you please forgive me for my EFT-advise, even though I concealed it a bit – and i thank jamie for picking up on it.
As I sit here, allowing H.S. to do whatever He needs, all kind of feelings come and go – like I am really in a dream or movie, and the movie is coming through me, although I am only one of the movie-figures. The difference now is that I know I am this figure, the identification with it is leaving.
I am icecold and warm and crying and feeling indifferent and confused and angry and relieved – like old tapes, not being saved anymore.
God is blessing us everyone
Nina
January 7th, 2010 at 3:01 pm
wonderful post Nina !
“And suddenly a big wall inside crashed,”
put me in mind of Robert Frost`s poem – :”Something there is that doesnt love a wall, that wants it down”
We sure as hell got a lot of resistance but at the end of the day aint nothin gonna stop us from returning Home. :)
January 7th, 2010 at 3:12 pm
Nina, forgiven.. I’m so glad for your clarity on things in your life, and the willingness to look at it with Help, as you said.
Love,
Mother
January 7th, 2010 at 3:26 pm
And did I mention….. {{{HUGE HUGS, Nina}}}
January 7th, 2010 at 3:33 pm
Nina…thanks for sharing your process. It helps me understand a whole lot about myself. It’s possible I understand a bit of what you speak. I met my ego one night and discovered the most callous, hate-filled, guilt-dripping creature…someone you would not want to meet in a dark alley. It punctured the picture I had of myself. But I think it brought me a step closer to what challenges I face in stepping around it
and leaving it behind.
Hugs!
LTS
January 7th, 2010 at 4:17 pm
Thank you for your whisper Nina, I think it helps us all. I could relate to it and discovered some very hidden secrets about me. Love, Lisi
January 7th, 2010 at 5:02 pm
Nina, I just read your whisper and I want to add my love and hugs to those that have been extended to you. Much love, DD.
January 7th, 2010 at 11:22 pm
Nina, you give so much of yourself. “I am icecold and warm and crying and feeling indifferent and confused and angry and relieved – like old tapes, not being saved anymore.” Yes, dear Nina, and you may at times remember them but you don’t have to play them, you don’t have to hear them anymore. The Holy Spirit is there for you always, so you are never alone and there is no memory or hurt that cannot be healed.
The Course that Jesus brought to the world, is in it’s infancy, and we are part of that. It blows my mind, that writing so beautiful, and explained so well in a language that meets us where we are, is laid in our lap. And the Course is gentle and forgiving, like someone I know. You heart is so big Nina, I know when I try and love with a love that is all encompassing, I usually fall short of my goal. Anger creeps in, scenes from long ago steal my peace and I question my worthiness at such a noble goal. But still it is my goal, and one the Couse teaches.
I am learning from you luv, and all the monklings just what love is. Be gentle with yourself now, for this too shall pass.
….. Laura beautifuly said, I think I met that fellow you were tlking about in the mirror a few times, you talk about being scared straight. Nuff Said
God bless us every one
January 8th, 2010 at 2:54 pm
Nina: just read post #113 joining in for the group hug. We are all here with you.
Annie
January 8th, 2010 at 3:21 pm
Thank-you LaAnnie for drawing me here to Nina’s post. The last couple of weeks I have been in and out and not getting to read all the posts like I used to be able to. Nina your ability to share your process always brings me back to my own. Thank-you and I love you my dear friend. {{{♥}}}
January 8th, 2010 at 4:00 pm
Nina love: the raw vividness of your sharing makes compelling reading. It’s a bit like watching a tempestuous storm blow itself into quietude… part of me watches in awe at the extraordinary range, strength and power of emotion you experiance … and the protective part of me wants to wrap you up warm and sing a gentle lullaby of peace … Thank-you for you♥
January 8th, 2010 at 4:08 pm
Oh I’d love that lullaby right now,Alexandra. I am going to bed, and the sleep is not too good – which one will you sing?
January 8th, 2010 at 4:15 pm
{{Hums along with Al… I’m not much of a singer or hummer, but I do love my Nina}} Soft and gentle sleeps, Nina.
January 8th, 2010 at 4:17 pm
ooh oooh oooh i`ve got the perfect one…. Whenever i am at my daughter`s i practise it on the piano… It`s called the Norwegian Cradle Song….
big hugs to you darling Nina and sweet dreams !
January 8th, 2010 at 5:19 pm
I am going to fall asleep in my scrubs right here on the couch….
Then be up all night – blogging!!!
That’s when the caffeine kicks in….
Here, Kitten!
January 10th, 2010 at 2:07 pm
Anne/Texas ~ So thats how you do it ! been wondering about those few minutes after Monk posts at 4 am there’s your comment first…also can’t say “that’s how you do it” without thinking of the Dire Straits song.
January 10th, 2010 at 2:17 pm
Nina♥ ~
Powerful Process you’ve shared with us all. I read this a few nights back and am finally thanking you for this. Looking and appreciating all the whispers and like Ruth Anne says… your ability to share your process does bring us all to our own.
January 10th, 2010 at 2:19 pm
Nina♥ ~ PS
Hope you’ve been sleeping better now. {{{{♥♥♥♥}}}}
January 10th, 2010 at 2:38 pm
Dearest Nina, I want to add my thanks to you for post 113. You are brave to look and keep looking with HELP from the one who knows. I have done a lot of repressing so your bravery helps me to look inside myself more. Love you and I’m grateful to know you.
Ruth-anne, I’m in the same space not being able to read all the whispers like I used to. I think there are a lot of whispers these days. Sure do enjoy the time I do have though.
Hugs!
January 11th, 2010 at 7:45 am
This night, new healing. They always come when the dark seems to be darkest, and I don’t give up asking Jesus for help. There was deep gloom and abominability (new word?) and depression, like glue sucking me into a vortex of B A D .I repeated the prayer many times, and then the idea seeped through: “I forgive my perception of this gloom and doom and heinousness – because You would never create this, and so it is not real, and is meaningless.” ( Gotta have this in bold.)
This gives a big release and peace.And now, when I am in the right position to truly see without fear, lots of images from insanity present themselves – its like seeing through a distorted filter or veil, and I am aware that it is the filter that is making up the images.
I realize that only my judging the images from my former askew perception as real and dangerous and serious gave them power to hurt me -I believed that what I saw, was real. And the path to this moment of insight has been prepared from yearlong relating to these images together with Jesus – always meeting me exactly where I have been in my process. I am deeply grateful for all the stages, which brought me to this moment of clarity and peace.
Then I forgave myself for the beliefs that led up to the perceptions. It was easy to find them – they just presented themselves.
Now I started to be able to really understand that the pain and tensions in my body came from my perception in my mind too – they started in the mind.
And maybe the biggest most changebringing insight for me personally – I realized that the reason why things have always seem to go back to “normal” again after a healing – seemingly like it was before the healing – is due only to one thing: because I have had a belief that said: “this will not last. As soon as you have found a way that works, it will be barred from your consciousness to use again.”
Yes, that has been so – -but only because I believed in it :-).
January 11th, 2010 at 7:54 am
{{{Nina}}}
January 11th, 2010 at 10:40 am
{{Healing Hugs for Nina}}
January 11th, 2010 at 11:06 am
{{{{Nina}}}}
January 11th, 2010 at 12:05 pm
Nina, beautifully stated and beautifully done. Big Hugs and smile!
God bless us every one
January 11th, 2010 at 1:53 pm
Nina…lots going on with your process lately. Kindness and gentleness to yourself! We circle you with love and stand nearby should you need us.
Hugs!
January 11th, 2010 at 1:56 pm
Nina, many hugs and much love to you.
January 18th, 2010 at 1:14 pm
Last night in a conversation with myself I had some thoughts I might share… I realized that the very last thing I want is what the Course is teaching.. is accepting Truth. My list of things I’d rather do included going to the dentist, having surgery, and last but not least, dying. To see that the last thing I want is also what I am drawn to, gives me pause about how I am treating myself through this process. It seems this would call for extreme gentleness and patience, as I am really so wrong about what it is I am afraid of, and what I now cherish.
I think part of what I am doing is to “keep the enemy close” by seeming to hold the hand of Jesus, but a Jesus that I have MADE UP in order to keep the real One away.. I don’t know what the real One is like.. know nothing about what He is all about.. just that if His Course is True, I obviously don’t want Him OR what He’s saying. I need a Jesus that I can control. And yet this is okay, as I have always been in control of my process. I will never be forced to accept something I am not ready to accept.
Anyway… I am going to try to be more patient with myself, and was able to really ask “Who are You?” “What are You like?” I am hoping that my heart opened by ever so little or big, don’t know. The culmination of this conversation with myself was a sense of knowing I was perfect, exactly as I am NOW. I am perfect, just as I am right now. Nothing to change, nothing to worry about, nothing to fix. Nothing to add… And all monklings (and other kinds of peoples heh heh) were exactly the same as I. Perfect.
My love to all,
Mother
January 18th, 2010 at 1:37 pm
Our beloved Mother thank you so much for sharing this with us… As i listened i felt like i was right there with you inside your heart…..
………..what a wonderfully gentle conversation……..
January 18th, 2010 at 7:23 pm
Dear Mom: As always thanks for your insights. You always voice myself. The other day I was asking me some sort of the same question: I was thinking “I am always saying I want to be with God, but, I don´t know how is God. I don´t have the minimal clue” of how He is…” so… Love and a big kiss, Lisi
January 19th, 2010 at 11:57 am
{{{Lisi}}} Big hugs & smooches back, from Mother
January 19th, 2010 at 11:58 am
Thank you, Winnie — {{Lollies}}
January 19th, 2010 at 2:03 pm
#139 {{Mother}} I’ve read it a few times now… so humble so honest. I felt like I could stop holding my breathe…I didn’t even realize I was holding my breathe.
January 19th, 2010 at 2:32 pm
{{{Smooches and hugs LaAnnie}}} — and a big Happy Sigh
January 20th, 2010 at 6:16 am
Many times I have seen in visons a light-radiating Christ-child. He has come toward me in a shell like Botticelli’s Afrodite (but much more adorable), and often he has held a golden light-radiating ball. His expression is soo sweet and loving! Mostly I take it in for some minutes -(because “I am not worthy”) but yesterday something changed.
I was talking through some heavy perceptions of time with a friend from another culture. From my perception, her constantly being late and not making a big deal about that was wrong from my perception: “you have to follow up on your promises “and all that…Now i realized that I could not STAND to meet that knot one second more – and so I suggested we really listened and reflected back to each others what the other said.
It worked like melted butter in sun. I was getting acquainted with a culture about time that was vastly different from mine. I had no problem understanding her point of view, and she unerstood mine too. It took us about ten minutes to do all the talking and finding out what would suit BOTH OF US well, and after that, the atmosphere was cleared and we curled up on opposite ends of the world like kittens in sun.
It was after this big letting go of judging the other part’s perception ( and correcting our own)
that we did our Focusing-session, and I saw the Child again. I was asking my felt bodily sense for something that wanted to be known, and saw an endless row of poor-looking gestalts clad in brown, and in front of them my angry father – all called out that I was responsible for their wellfare. Quite a tall order. But before I even had a second to deal with that impression, a radiant little figure came out of that endless row of demands and guilt and exclaimed “I am your Home!”
And there was no doubt in me them that He was. Whoosh was He inside my heart, sitting down on a large throne, curling up, beaming, telling me to pay attention to process.
There were two other figures presenting themselves, pretending to be really important: a sceleton, who said “I am fear, and I am helping you to stay alert all the time because if you are not, you will not be prepared (and therefore safer) when catastrophe comes.”
And Love in me saw that something in me wants me to feel safe, and has chosen whatever symbol I can use to do that.I felt such a tenderness toward that sceleton-figure, that fragment of my mind thinking he was a threatener and a sceleton – so I could just smile at that crazy notion that you have to scare somebody to keep them safe – and realizing that that is the way we raise our children, most of us: “don’t do that! it is dangerous!”
Then another part arose – this was the terrified child who believed she needed the threatener, and believed he was more powerful than Love and kindness. And this child was immensely tired of believing in fear as trustworthy. But there it was: the belief that “I am in great danger if I don’t follow the threatener’s voice all the time.” Oh what a knot, when believed in.
So I just waited for what would happen here – knowing from experience with this process that calm patience always worked – and then the Child appeared bewteen the two parts, just doing Its Being Love-thing.
As soon as I saw Love between those two figures of control, all judgment of the two figures and this knot was seen as silly and meaningless and nothing.
So now these two figures lost their “something/somebody-ness” – they seemed to just be containers, shell, filled with dark stuff – but contained no meaning and no power. I saw that they were just shadows-illusions- that I had given reality by believing they had power.
The Child has affirmd Himself again and again after this happened – He reminds me that He is there when I get the usual fear-thoughts visiting – and reminds me to PUT HIM FIRST. Choose HIM FIRST. I find that when I do ( and I don’t every time, oh no) whatever i deal with of “problems”
has lost their temptation to be judged by me. When I truly choose Him, judgment falls.
AND I register that I don’t do it all the time – holding on to my way of choosing.
But not all the time.He is making Himsrlf felt as a warmth in the chest, and it feels so SAFE to see the world as He sees it. So I am forgiving the ego-child believing herself to be safe only when she is in imminent danger – and I can even feel love for her. And forgiving myself for this is incredibly s w e e t .
January 20th, 2010 at 7:10 pm
I think this is my favorite story dear Nina.
God bless us every one
January 20th, 2010 at 7:33 pm
Nina, So happy for you. It is so wonderful when a huge hunk of junk melts away like that. :) :) :)
January 20th, 2010 at 8:15 pm
Dear dear Nina….. THANK YOU dear heart for this Pearl – “this is incredibly s w e e t”
January 21st, 2010 at 8:29 am
Wow, Nina -
Wonderful story. Some lines just leapt off the page for me.
Many thanks,
anil
January 21st, 2010 at 2:23 pm
My family had a crisis yesterday… ….The most disturbing aspect for me {and it was very slight} was my lack of anxiety or peacelessness. After all my children were devastated …..Do i really practise forgiveness that well or am i still a blissninny -{ well it does rhyme with winnie :)…..{and i do have a Master`s degree in Denial}
But nothing at all is more important to me than practising kindness, so it really doesn`t matter at all………
I spent the day like every other day monitoring my thoughts and you know what ?- i can do nothing more….`twould be foolish to punish myself for feeling peaceful in such dire circumstances………
But at the end of the day i am happy, actually very happy that it`s just business as usual …. {and for a quiet revelation or two}
My son, around whom the crisis centred, was obviously pushing me away. I could see how much he was relishing the victim script and twisting the words and actions of those who loved him to to make his dream of “people not being there for him” come true.
And for the first time in my life i realized that was exactly what i did to my mother. I recalled for the first time certain memories and saw them differently, saw that she did love me. I never saw it before because i didnt want to see it, relishing instead my script of being totally unloved and rejected…. – a re-enactment of what i projected onto God….
I have not had a problem with my mother for many a year. She died years ago but i worked constantly while it was an issue, to bring peace to our relationship. But until today i thought that choosing a script of having a mother unable to love me was in fact a truth, a truth that i had made peace with.
Today it occurred to me that i actually luxuriated in wanting to believe how unloved i was – and just what a lie that was !
I recognize today that my mother loved me but i never let that love in…. just like i never did with God..
love and big fat hugs to all here !
January 21st, 2010 at 2:31 pm
“I recalled for the first time certain memories and saw them differently, saw that she did love me. I never saw it before because i didnt want to see it, relishing instead my script of being totally unloved and rejected…. – a re-enactment of what i projected onto God….”
isn’t the Course process awesome? how these insights sneak quetly in on us and voila…and you forgiving your son for what he never did in reality, just looking through it so clearly…it is awesome to read, Winnie, it makes me so grateful for this process
and for you, sweetie
for you and all you are in the Monastery
(blowing kisses like pink butterflies across the world to Poo)
January 21st, 2010 at 2:39 pm
Oh, {{Winnie}} what you said about your mother means so much to me in my own motherless heart… thank you,
Love,
Mother
January 21st, 2010 at 2:42 pm
Dear Winnie:Thanks for your sharing. I am exactly in the same case, I chose a script of having a mother unable to love me (I think). Unfortunately I had not yet made peace with it. But some recent events with my son are helping me to accept Jesus help to see calmly with him and his lamp to all this stuff. It´s really difficult to me because I think I am reluctant to renounce to such a colossal defense against love. Thanks again all that you said is helping me a lot in this moment and I hope it will help me in my forgiveness process of this part of my script. Hugs and lots of love, Lisi
January 21st, 2010 at 2:45 pm
Wow Winnie, your insight with this is so wonderful I am speechless.
January 21st, 2010 at 3:26 pm
winnie, dear winnie -
whatever it is you perceive of yourself (or not)…:), one thing is very clear to me – you are very kind, and very loving.
hugs,
anil
ps. did i tell you that outside our apartment window in singapore is this huge tree. one day, i was sitting, sipping some tea, and i could “see” you sitting in that tree :)
pps. Mother dear and Pam – it is nice to be near all of you in geography, and in the same time zone. The weather doesn’t stand a chance with so much warmth in these halls of our Monastery :)
January 21st, 2010 at 8:20 pm
Dearest, dearest Winnie. This Monastery is so blessed to have you in it. I love your heart. ♥
January 21st, 2010 at 11:11 pm
Winnie, “But nothing at all is more important to me than practising kindness,” I liked this very much. And you showed that kindness with your sharing your story with us. And with the love you extended your family. I am glad I share space with you dear Lady, we all are blessed indeed.
God bless us every one
January 21st, 2010 at 11:30 pm
Winnie ~
Nothing but kindness and a deep willingness to be honest, put the two together and voila….our beloved Winnie. sharing your stories /extending love invites us to join in the transformative content. ♥Love you so much♥
January 22nd, 2010 at 12:14 am
DonnaD, the monastery is blessed to have you roaming the halls as well. When you feel like talking we will be here for you.
God bless us everyone
January 22nd, 2010 at 3:03 am
what loving warm hearts abide in these walls !…. Oooh pink butterfly kisses are deliciously ticklish ! and speaking of butterflies, loving hugs to you sweet gentle Lisi and big hugs to everyone else ! I love you guys xoxoxoox
p.s. Anil … well of course you could see me sitting in the tree outside your window… us fairy folk are always flitting hither and thither between beautiful trees [and lands] especially when it`s cup of tea time :)
This song is for you Mother and Lisi and all who need it……..
January 22nd, 2010 at 8:38 am
How beautiful and comforting. Thank you dear Winnie.
January 22nd, 2010 at 10:58 am
Thank you Winnie… what a wonderfully moving and comforting song… Such hope there for all of us.
She’s got a voice and a half, doesn’t she… I will post the words here for Al…
“This is to mother you
To comfort you and get you through
Through when your nights are lonely
Through when your dreams are only blue
this is to mother you
This is to be with you
To hold you and to kiss you too
For when you need me I will do
What your own mother didn’t do
Which is to mother you
All the pain that you have known, ohh
All the violence in your soul, ohh
All the wrong things that you have done, ohh
I will take from you when I come
For I will mother you
To comfort you and get you through
Through when your nights are lonely
Through when your dreams are only blue
this is to mother you”
January 22nd, 2010 at 3:39 pm
Oh Winnie, Thank you! Your yesterday´s sharing was very important to me. I read it 2 or 3 times and had it in my mind all yesterday´s afternoon. Today for the first time, in I don´t know how many years, I accepted that my mother was not as bad as I wanted always to think. While I was driving home about two hours ago, I was thinking in all of this and I started to cry, yes in the car. I began to feel some sort of joining with her, I could see her cry for love and her loneliness and in that instant I recognized it was my own cry and loneliness, and I really felt such tenderness for her and for myself. I for sure can said I never feel this for her, it is so new for me that I am still a little bit stun. But I am happy about this feeling. It is really a better one than hate.
The song is beautiful and you are really not only our fair but also and angel. Hugs and lots of love, Lisi
January 22nd, 2010 at 11:30 pm
Lisa, thank you for sharing that, I too read the whisper a few times. Winnie is a gift, that keeps on giving. It is nice to hear of the new perspective on your mom. We all carry too much baggage around with us. It’s nice to lose some of it from time to time. It lightens the load we carry in the day to day, a little willingness goes a long way.
God bless us every one
January 23rd, 2010 at 7:40 am
Yhis night a loving Voice suggested that I said ” I forgive myself for believing that evil is real and dangerous and serious.” I did, and meant it, and my body was reacting strongly, pain and aches and stiffnesses and sickness -- but it was moving, changing, it felt right.
So I was following this process of looking at beliefs I had held and now saw were not valid -- the clearest insights were that there really was no-one there to believe them. So, the ego did not like that, expectedly. It tried to have me believe that creating art was “bad” and ego-ish -- and then I saw that it was not ” being an artist” I really treaured, I treasured the moments of NOW when the creativity was flowing through me and there were really no -- one who “made” art, it just was received and expressed in ways that seems to serve joy.
Ego butted in now, wanting to “get through” this process ( the pains were pretty bad), and I realised that the ego thought that IT had to “do” the awakeningprosess. And I saw that all I had to do ( and now the process became inexpressably s w e e t ) was just to LOOK and LOOK and not judge, and when judgments came, don’t judge the judgments as good as I could.
The relief when this thought came was so great. I recognize that ego so often has done the Course -- I recognize the striving part of it, the “must must must do it right and now” -- and i see that whenever pressure is present in whateve i do, there is an ego-part trying to be good and clever and get points.
Laying in bed and just being aware of this, a clear image came into my mind, and I would love to share it with all of you. It is two videos from Disney’s classic masterpiecefrom 1940:Fantasia, the two last ones. For the ones who has not seem them: the first is called “Night at Bald Mountain” -- here the dark forces are celebrating their seeming dominion. The Devil is really scary, and the whole bit feeds on the minds archetypal images of evil and ghosts ( and the women-ghouls and witches even have nipples for gossakes!)
This dark world is what my mind has believed in -for many lives I think -- believing in the reality of dark images and voices. Working with the Course had made a big difference -- the images may still come, but now I know that even if it is possible to see illusions, they have no reality.
So I lay in bed, and suddenly I heard the melody of Ave Maria /Bach/Gounod. I started to sing it, and this clear image of the last scene in Fantasia presented itself while I was singing:
a prosession of nuns (yes ♥) coming out from dark woods and into the rising sun, while singing the Hymn to the Mother of Jesus.
For the ones who have time, and want to enjoy the contrast when the dark devil-night turns to Heaven , I post the Night first, and then the Ave Maria. My mind just loves so much to see the images of coming out of the dark woods together. I always shiver at point 4:15, when the blue line appears.
I feel very tired and achy, but oh how good it is to at last realize that being patient with myself and the process is so helpful.
We are walking in that procession all of us
here is Bald Mountain:
and here is the Dawn:
January 23rd, 2010 at 11:14 am
Nina, I so enjoyed the clips from Fantasia… and your comments about looking and seeing things differently. I’m so thankful for every moment of healing we receive.
Love,
Mother
January 23rd, 2010 at 8:03 pm
Nina…thanks for the videos. In reading your description of your process, it kept
popping into my thoughts that you are doing good work.
Hugs!
January 24th, 2010 at 9:27 am
Laura, that I needed to hear – I see that I have believed the old attack thought that whatever I do, it is not working, and by all standards ( hm – by who’s??)NOT good work :-) something gray and tired rolled off me when i read that. Thank you for sharing what popped in. These angels on our shoulders are so great.
{{{Laurissima}}}
January 25th, 2010 at 3:35 am
Lisi … have just read #164 and i am so happy for you ! sending tender loving hugs to you sweet sister xoxoxooxoxo
January 25th, 2010 at 12:20 pm
winnie, what you wrote about your healing experience with your mother resonated very deeply with me and thank you for the video, what a beautiful song. nina, you posting the fantasia video’s touched my heart. that is one of the happy memories i have of my mom. when i was a kid she took me to see it in 3D. i left feeling scared but i also knew she was trying. the shedding of my judgments and projections towards my mom leaves this kind of empty space where i don’t really know what to feel or think or do, but i do know i don’t hurt as much and i don’t have such hateful thoughts about her anymore, so that is a good thing…
on another note: i had a deeper realization at why homeless people have always touched something in me. i had a full-on 3 min breakdown driving the other morning when it was pouring rain and i saw an old man literally carrying so much baggage on his back it was 3 times his body size. it was not a selfish cry. i did not pity him. (by this i mean i asked for help to see the Truth right away and It came.) the look in his eyes went straight through me. it was focused, yet aimless; strong, yet desperate and fragile; intense, yet gentle. there was a joining and understanding…somewhere deep down i know this isn’t my home either. i too am homeless… just wandering, carrying all of my psychological, emotional, mental, and physical baggage…trying my best to keep warm. i felt so connected with him in that moment. there were no words…nothing personal. it was beautiful. i remembered my Teacher say, “You do not walk alone. God’s angels hover near and all about. His Love surrounds you, and of this be sure; that I will never leave you comfortless.” in that moment i learned a little more about myself and allowed a little more Love in. so thankful to the man, who served as my Angel, showing me the vulnerability in myself so i could welcome the Comfort. made me realize deeper that this is how natural healing is. it’s moment by moment. if i can show up, be fully present and trust the process. it’s always there. like drops of healing rain pouring down washing away everything that doesn’t belong…
hugs and love to everyone! thanks for sharing your stories and love!
January 25th, 2010 at 12:26 pm
Heather, that touched me so deep – thank you for that reminder to be so open to all we see and see it inside our own mind – so beautiful, so rich – I see that I have that with others much more often now, and being aware of that when I read your whisper – these moments when I look at a strangers and we at the same moment smile form the heart to each other, like lovers reunited, minus the sexual-part – I feel so often disconected from everyone when I speak, but in silence SO connected..I rememebered it now,after your sensitive post
I love you
Nina
January 25th, 2010 at 12:27 pm
Heather: That’s a vivid picture (”baggage three times his body size”) and story. I love these types of stories; they’re almost universally helpful. Thanks for telling us about it. Love to you and Nick, and brother Homeless Dude.
January 25th, 2010 at 12:33 pm
Heather, such a remarkable sharing. Thank you. DD.
January 25th, 2010 at 12:45 pm
Oh Heather i am hugging you to my heart ! i love that we are all doing this Mother healing stuff, and doing it together……
to paraphrase our beloved Nina –
“a procession of nuns (yes ♥) coming out from dark woods and into the rising sun, while singing the Hymn ” to our mothers
{goes off to watch the Fantasia clips]
January 25th, 2010 at 1:07 pm
After spending the night together with the dark lord, the monklings calmly and peacefully all walk away together guided by the Light. They reach the blue line/dot/circle where effortlessly, the heavy curtains part to reveal the Truth in all its glory ……….
January 25th, 2010 at 1:25 pm
A dog that says “I love you.”
Sure they say it, but do they mean it?
Since only beings of a like order can truly communicate, as the Course says,
the thoughts of the ego/world of illusion/horizontal axis
and the Thoughts of God/What God Is/vertical axis
can never really communicate.
Especially if one is completely “unreal.” Or at least misunderstood.
I don’t know what anything is for. (Today’s lesson!)
January 25th, 2010 at 2:15 pm
{laughing my socks off !} are you kidding? He SOOOoo means it ! Thanks Tex !….. :)
January 25th, 2010 at 5:27 pm
love you guys back and thank you!! nina, your sharing was so beautiful, thank you :)
January 25th, 2010 at 11:52 pm
Texas, this video takes the cake… {{I Love You too, Doggy}}
January 26th, 2010 at 3:59 am
Rut-Ro-Raggy!
Zoinks!
Another talkin’ dog!
January 26th, 2010 at 4:19 am
Tex, I so loved when doggie said it only with an o-o-o– oh yes, I believed him – mimicking his loving mistress -so sweet!
January 27th, 2010 at 4:27 am
I caught that too, Nina!
January 29th, 2010 at 11:03 pm
I am doing the lessons again for the third time after finally been listening to Ken’s CD’s for the 9 months. I am also doing them with his “Journey through the Workbook”. By the time I got to lesson 24, (after lesson 23, where Ken speaks about these lessons 1-23 are introducing “cause”) I started having a difficult time – falling asleep, getting distracted, extra busy. I could really see the resistance and forgave it. As I got to lesson 26 “my attack thoughts are attacking my invulnerability”, BIG TIME resistance. So much so that I was laughing at myself because I would literally by in the middle of the lesson and my mind would wander off to random, unimportant stuff and then I would realize what I had done. I was really having a difficult time with the “All attack is Self attack” idea and that attacking and being attacked are the same.
I was on a plane traveling from Minneapolis to San Antonio and made a determined effort and prayer, “Jesus, I am becoming increasingly aware of how resistant I am to this idea of self attack and it all being the same and stuff. I am willing to see things differently and I am okay with not being ready yet, too.” So, I started the lesson, wide awake, concentrating and feeling quite peaceful, almost finished…and then we started our descent. The whole left side of my face (sinuses!) started to receive sharp, exploding pains that came in waves. I completely forgot the lesson for several minute or so as tears were streaming down my face. After about 10 minutes of feeling my full victim-hood, amidst all of the pain, I heard a very loud and clear sentence in my head, “I attack myself first”. I heard it and I KNEW I had attacked myself FIRST. This sentence became so much more important to me in that moment that even though I still felt the pain (it did diminish a bit), it just did not even matter anymore. I cannot explain it any better than this. The thought and the awareness of the thought was so much more powerful than the pain – it just did not even have any measure next to the thought. My tears turned to overwhelming sense of love and peace even while in pain.
I could feel Jesus giving me the lesson in a way that I could understand it. He was just waiting for me be willing to see my pain (the cause of my pain) differently. It was so beautiful but as I read this post back it pales in comparison to the experience and seems a little pointless to post.
However, I like the idea of the the Blue Dot room as a place to let go of our spiritual experiences so as not to make a big deal about them. I can just send this off into cyber space, say thank you and goodbye and not go back to it again.
Thank you so much, Jamie and acimonk gang!
Jessica
January 29th, 2010 at 11:26 pm
Oh Jessica that was wonderful to read ! Thank you so much for sharing with us :) I know exactly what you mean about the inadequacy of words to describe forgiveness…. big big hugs and love xxoxoxooxoxoxoooxox
January 30th, 2010 at 6:36 am
Hi Jessica: This is the kind of inspiring and true-to-process forgiveness experience for which the Blue Circle room was made. Thank you for this, and nice work.
January 30th, 2010 at 6:51 am
Jessica, Thank you so much for sharing. Very helpful for me.
January 30th, 2010 at 9:18 am
Jessica, you have been constantly on my mind the two last days, I was going to ask for you in the Monastery today – and here you are with this awesome teaching. So important for me. Thankyou! and also for showing us that insidious voice telling you that it probably was not worth posting, and you still did. Yay for you!
January 30th, 2010 at 9:40 am
Jessica, I thank you for your posting. It was a reminder to me, once again, that before I turn my hatred to someone or something else, I turn it on me first. I am always grateful for the light bulb moments others have and share. It helps me tremendously in my process. Warmest hugs, DD.
January 30th, 2010 at 10:28 am
Jessica, you once told me that I “rock your socks!!” Now I get to tell you… You Rock My Socks!! Bravo Jessica. What a wonderful story of your forgiveness at work. I especially loved when you said ” I am willing to see things differently and I am okay with not being ready yet, too.” The willingness, humility and love this indicates warms my heart and brings me happy tears. I am so glad you decided to share your story and am grateful for your gift to us.
Love you,
Mother
January 30th, 2010 at 10:38 am
Jessica, thank you so much for sharing. What a beautiful, beautiful experience!
January 30th, 2010 at 11:40 am
Thank you so much for sharing this Jessica. I am myself doing the workbook again this year with the help of Ken´s books, and as you mentioned I am finding great resistance that I was covering very well in the past. The last days it was really difficult as it popped out a lot of hidden stuff. A few minutes ago I saw the video clip that Pam posted and it really was a great relief for me, that final sentence “You have no power over me” suddenly opened my eyes and I experienced great relief. Hugs and love, Lisi
January 30th, 2010 at 12:23 pm
“I like the idea of the the Blue Dot room as a place to let go of our spiritual experiences so as not to make a big deal about them. I can just send this off into cyber space, say thank you and goodbye and not go back to it again.” Jessica, I have had a few spiritual experiences in my life, as I know many others have as well, and in no way is your post pointless. The Course has shown me that nothing less than awakening to who we are, is what we are truly about. But reminders like you had, show us we are not alone in our journey with out distance. That is a very comforting thought! Thank you so much for sharing.
God bless us every one
January 30th, 2010 at 5:26 pm
Jessica…your experience reaffirms so many things for me. Others before me have listed many of them. Your sharing means a lot to me…to know that some like things that I experience are not from whackyville…and the reaction of others here tells me that if I ever need to share them, there is a kind and gentle audience of avid supporters here. Thanks so much.
Hugs! LTS
January 30th, 2010 at 7:24 pm
My heart feels a little weepy reading your posts. Thank you for listening and being so kind, loving, supportive and gentle.
I can’t even express…
{{{group hug}}}
January 30th, 2010 at 7:27 pm
☼And to you, Jessica☼
February 1st, 2010 at 12:39 am
Note to self today: It is so much easier to accept His Love when I don’t make it so hard.
=-=
Mother
P.S. This represents a big healing for me. But I can’t describe the steps up to it… I don’t remember them.
February 1st, 2010 at 12:48 am
“Awakening runs easily and gladly through the Kingdom, in answer to the Call for God.”
I am very happy for this big healing Darling Mother xoxoxooxoxox
February 1st, 2010 at 12:53 am
♥Winnie♥ – Stole my heart a long time ago… =-= Love, Mother
February 1st, 2010 at 1:32 am
what ? i didnt steal nuttin… oh alright i did nab a few jars of lollies and the odd glass of Pomegranate Liqueur when Ruth-Anne wasnt looking and Mother`s heart is so big there`s definitely enough for everyone to pinch a bit, but I DIDNT STEAL THE KINGDOM OF GOD – IT WASNT ME…however i do have the names and numbers of certain fishy looking people…..
speaking of fishy people, I watched Finding Nemo the other day in which the meaning of illusory was described as that which is ill and for losers…
February 1st, 2010 at 8:03 pm
Glub, glub. I’m feeling a little bit like a fish right now.
February 1st, 2010 at 11:15 pm
I’m feeling a little like Dory today… really short-term memory….
{What did I just say?} {Hope it wasn’t important….}
February 2nd, 2010 at 4:09 am
#197 MoM
It’s easier when it’s not so hard, eh?
February 2nd, 2010 at 12:04 pm
Yes, TX – amazin’, isn’t it.
February 2nd, 2010 at 8:30 pm
I wouldn’t know -
I haven’t personally experienced it – per se!
February 4th, 2010 at 7:10 am
THE PAST HAS GONE
this belief was strong for me today. For some short seconds, i saw this:
I had been with something dark and heavy and forgiven, I felt relieved and grateful and happy. A couple of minutes later it was back – and first reaction: “There, I knew it was not real.”
But now, another clear thought – from Jamie’s last class: it comes back when you drag it back.
Oh! so true! I then realized what so many of you seem to get already – that there is something in me that wants to hold on to the ego. Which demonstrates for me that the ego is nothing, my choice for ego seems certainly to be something – and it is something only as long as i believe in it.
The dark and heavy stuff disappear because i forgave and saw it as nothing. It came back because I felt fear without “problems.” And I would only feel fear without problems if I believed it was valuable to have problems and fix them myself.
When I saw that the stuff that seemed to come back, felt exactly at it had felt before I let it go – even though I HAD let it go – it was such a demonstration that illusions feels real – only as long as I believe in them.
I still don’t get that I want problems – but I certainly get that parts of me want to be a good “problemsolver” and “healer” and all of those roles.
I just cannot seem to see these parts as me,Presence.
Will ask jamie about these things for class.
February 4th, 2010 at 7:13 am
clarification:this sentence:“There, I knew it was not real” meant that the ego was triumphing that the forgiveness had not been real.
February 4th, 2010 at 9:21 am
Nina, I love your process. It is always valuable to me and gives me my own hallelujah moments. Warm hugs, DD.
February 4th, 2010 at 1:38 pm
{{{DonnaD}}}
February 5th, 2010 at 3:09 pm
This is such a cool room. Ditto everyone’s comments about sharing process helping me with mine. Bring it on!
A wee woo. When you were posting Fantasia on the 23rd Jan Nina, I was watching it at the school playground on a BIG screen as part of the summer outdoor sessions, with my son on the 24th here which would’ve been the same time. I saw it as a youngster with my mom too, who was already very deaf by then, and now as a mum myself I watched it again. Poignant. He was rivitted by the Dark images as from a very young age he drew without exception, pictures of death, skulls, blood, horror, knives, skeletons, devils. It used to disturb me a bit but i figure now he’s looking head on at the ego and that needn’t be a bad thing. Light has crept into his pictures as he’s got older.
The mother song was beautiful (tears as I think of how much I love my son and the intense connection we have and how loving him and mothering him to my best ability is so important to me and all those whose mums for whom this can be such a struggle) and thank-you so much dearest dearest M♥M for remembering me even while I was in absentia and posting the words. I’m loving the different voices coming through here of how process is different, yet the same, for everyone. A big grateful thank-you and namaste.
February 5th, 2010 at 3:35 pm
Al, as I read your whisper, I remembered how my grandson (who is 14 now) was exactly the same way when he was younger. He would watch Aladdin over and over, just fascinated by the villain. We were also concerned until a ‘medium’ friend said that it was because my grandson was trying to understand what made someone like that tick. He was, and is, so unlike that kind of person that he was trying to puzzle him out. He still enjoys all these movies and yet he is a kind, caring person—very much like your son, I suspect. Hugs to you, DD.
February 6th, 2010 at 12:20 am
Love and blessings to all we Mothers and Grandmothers of sons and grandsons in particular. Today in the midst of watching a funny movie, after a major ego attack this morning, i suddenly thought of one of the most painful moments of my life. My beloved youngest was 12 and i made the decision to send him away from me recognizing that i was way more of a hindrance to him than a help {though i was devoted to him}.
I was so completely broken at the time {dark night of the soul stuff} and i knew that i had failed in the one thing that meant more to me than anything else – trying to be a good mother.
He said to me “Please dont send me away Mother{ i have always hated the word Mum}…. but i knew i had to for his sake. I had totally failed in the only thing that was important to me.
And even though i have to wipe away the tears to write this, I`m ok with it, really i am. I see through it. I see that i set it up like this. I see that it`s just an outward symbol of my belief that i turned away God…..None of it is real. It is just a symptom of a sick and deluded mind that likes to be entertained by impossibilities…
February 6th, 2010 at 1:11 am
(fiercely) That took grit winnie – first to acknowledge it and then to do what you truely thought was best for him even when it broke your heart. I don’t believe for a minute that you have ever not done your best at any given moment. Ahhh the pain of looking at insane choices … and the relief of realising they are neither real, nor need undoing. Love you too winnie – love you lots.
February 6th, 2010 at 1:42 am
Mmmm – thanks DD – that’s interesting … it always seemed like JZ was/is identifying as the darkness. For example as a toddler he would come out with things like:’i want to stick a red hot poker through your tongue, stick a knife in your heart and watch the blood come out’ sort of statements seemingly out of the blue. It was a little disturbing (since he’d never been exposed to this sort of thing) coming from the mouth of an ‘innocent’ … and he was the kind of kid who pulled wings off flies. The dogs pretty much ignore him (although he has his tender moments with them … and as i say – he has mellowed and gentled with age (don’t most of us?)… but no, i couldn’t say he is the gentle hearted, kind to animals, plant loving, joyously exploring the wonders of the universe kinda kid i imagined i would love mothering when i was pregnant and fantasizing about it! He’s fiercely brave and macho and underneath just frightend and scared… and gentleness is coming gradually. Thank God for the Course which has allowed me not to be fearful of his egoic expression but see it as normal. He gets firm limits and meaningful consequences and lots and lots of love … and he’s growing into an amzing kid with a bullshxt detector you wouldn’t believe. And I’ve raved enough …thats what happens when ya monastryless for a month! xx
February 6th, 2010 at 1:47 am
Thank you Al…thank you so much for understanding my beloved sister…
…love to all here ….
February 6th, 2010 at 1:51 am
Oh, Winnie, that sounds like some very hard stuff to go through… so very painful…
I’m so sorry, and sending love and {{hugs}} to the mother (and the daughter and the grandmother) in you,
Love,
M.
February 6th, 2010 at 4:23 am
Hugs, hugs and more hugs!
February 6th, 2010 at 10:08 am
{{{Winnie}}}, lots and lots of love and hugs to you my dear sister. Love you so much I really felt your pain, it is a shared pain, but now, to know it is the same pain in all of us, give us the only meaningful answer: We are all ONE. More love and hugs, Lisi
February 6th, 2010 at 10:17 am
Winnie, may I ask…did you get him back later?
February 6th, 2010 at 3:20 pm
Thank you for the all the Love !
Yes Nina but as i suspected would happen, he followed my example and lost all confidence in himself, though he never reproached me. Once or twice when i was beside myself with anguish i would wake him to apologise for all the pain he`d suffered…. He would just hug me and reassure me so gently and kindly……………
Everything is ok now :)
February 6th, 2010 at 3:57 pm
February 24th, 2010 at 11:59 pm
Today, February 24th is my wife’s Sharon’s birthday. We have been married 31years. I have finally realized not how much I love her, for that has always been a given, but that she has always been what I needed in my life to learn and to grow. She has no interest in spirituality or church, yet she has a good relationship with god. She simply does what she feels is right and figures Jesus or someone got her back. I read countless books on spirituality, and change my beliefs every 10 years or so; or more accurately update more or less the current belief system.
I don’t think I ever believed this of myself, but looking back over the years, I believe I thought myself in some way superior because of my efforts to be closer to, or to try and understand my God better. But sitting hear and doing a review of our years together, I see how strong of a person Sharon has been. I have found the Course or more accurately it found me. And I know that my updating days are over, but, not my reading. What has brought these thoughts to me this night, is my mood as of late has been one of unrest. Something has been bothering me for awhile and it has affected my every action, or non action in many cases.
So, I have found what will be my path for the years left in this dream, and I should be happier than I am. I know I don’t need to read other books on spirituality to fill gaps in my understanding anymore, but rather I need to listen to and believe the still small voice inside. The following is the 4th Miracle principle. It is what set this whisper in motion..”All miracles mean life, and God is the Giver of life. His Voice will direct you very specifically. You will be told all you need to know”.
The question arises how will you know it isn’t the ego? I feel in my case that you can’t bullshit a bullshitter. I think in most cases we know the difference, but don’t admit that even to ourselves. Just some late night thoughts I had to look at before going to bed. Love to all the monklings, thank you for being here.
God bless us every one
February 25th, 2010 at 12:22 am
love the candidness, lawrence.
February 25th, 2010 at 4:23 am
Lawrence, dear friend -
Happy belated birthday to Sharon. Loved reading your whisper.
Hugs,
anil
February 25th, 2010 at 7:57 am
Amen Lawrence Amen.
February 25th, 2010 at 8:10 am
Hugs to my beautiful Winnie
Al your love shines thru in every whisper.
Filled with softness and comfort walking the halls of the Monastery.
Blessings to All
February 25th, 2010 at 9:46 am
Hi to all fellow monklngs!
Great post, Lawrence….thank you, I can so relate to everything you said. Wow!
With Love and Gratitude to all~
melody
February 25th, 2010 at 11:05 am
Thanks Lawrence for your whisper. I can relate myself to it. Thanks for you honesty and humility. Love, Lisi
February 25th, 2010 at 11:36 am
so grateful to have your company and sharings dearest Lawrence…. love to you and Sharon { her birthday same as my beloved daughter}
Blessings to you my darling Annie xoxoxoxo
February 25th, 2010 at 11:45 am
Lawrence – lovely honest humble clear minded whisper!
February 25th, 2010 at 11:46 am
Lawrence, I love your late night musings and your honesty. Warm hugs, DD.
February 25th, 2010 at 2:20 pm
Lawrence, lovely sharing. I think we can all relate to your question: how will you know it’s not the ego? Please do tell us your thoughts on this. Most wonderful of all, even if it is the ego I mistake for God’s Voice, it’s quite okay. He doesn’t mind. He will wait and try to talk with me another time when I can feel the difference, the simple quietness that comes when it is He I’m listening to.
February 25th, 2010 at 11:28 pm
I want to thank you all for your kind words concerning whisper #222. I think more often than not we relate to each others whispers. We grow through experience, and we gain experience through one another sharing. Nick, thanks for the kind words. I sometimes think I am too candid and almost didn’t send this through. Anil and Annie, Melody, and Lisa thank you for your whispers. Winnie, I like that you daughter and Sharon share a birthday, jamie and my daughter Kaitlyn share a birthday as well.
Al, thank you for the kind words, I so love your whispers. DonnaD thanks for the hug, I am a hugging kind of guy don’t you know.
Bernard, as to you question this is from big blue: T-12.VII.5. You see what you expect, and you expect what you invite. Your perception is the result of your invitation, coming to you as you sent for it. Whose manifestations would you see? Of whose presence would you be convinced? For you will believe in what you manifest, and as you look out so will you see in. Two ways of looking at the world are in your mind, and your perception will reflect the guidance you have chosen.
For me at least knowing, or a least believing it is the Holy Spirit comes with expecting it to be the HS and then giving myself over to what I expected. Then it is kinda like “the proof is in the pudding” kind of thing, or if you will “by their fruits you will know them kinda of thing. That’s kinda of what I meant when I said about not bullshitting a bullshitter. And Bernard, as you so eloquently said: “Most wonderful of all, even if it is the ego I mistake for God’s Voice, it’s quite okay. He doesn’t mind. He will wait and try to talk with me another time when I can feel the difference, the simple quietness that comes when it is He I’m listening to.”
God bless us every one
February 26th, 2010 at 4:26 am
Thank you Lawrence for the above quote, “You see what you expect…” Boy, that lays it out there so clearly. I read and reread it slowly and word by word. I really want to remember it.
February 27th, 2010 at 12:35 am
There is a person in my life currently who really pushes my buttons. I’d say that we have “issues”. And I’ve been looking at this situation a lot recently.
I’ve also been doing a bit of woo-woo healing and this week when I went a past life with this person came up. In that lifetime, we were very close and loved each other deeply. And this person accidentally killed me (although I played my part in it as well). It was tremendously painful for both of us, filled with guilt, shame, regret.
As I looked at this, suddenly all the anger and hatred I currently have for this person melted away and I realized that I felt an overwhelming Love. A Love so strong and huge it was almost painful to feel.
I was startled by this! To be able to feel a hatred strongly and have it give way to tremendous Love was startling. I cried. A lot. Half the day. And still on and off.
I’m still integrating this experience. It’s changed everything. I’m grateful, so very grateful. Thank You, Jesus.
February 27th, 2010 at 9:59 am
{{{Lisa}}} Cleansing Love …tears of Joy …a beautiful release. Thanks for sharing.
February 27th, 2010 at 10:02 am
Lisa, what a beautiful experience you’ve had. And very moving. It seems a remarkable testament to how it can be to see something right mind vs wrong mind–at least in my mind :::grin:::. Hugs to you, dear. DD.
February 27th, 2010 at 10:59 am
Lisa, I have had these experiences too – overwhelming gratitude when understanding that perception can change like you describe – and that people wee seem to have killed and been killed by (or other variations :-) may still be here with us now – yes, it has really helped me to see all the roles we play out, and that we are not those roles at all (”we are the space it all floats in, says Buddhist Nina within)
Big hug, Lisa
February 27th, 2010 at 1:42 pm
Way to go Lisa – lovely sharing. Past life glympses that help see with compassion a current relationship are such a cool gift aye?
February 27th, 2010 at 4:18 pm
Thank you Lisa for your sharing. Very moving, and as you said it is startling to pass from a huge hate to a huge love. Hugs and Love, Lisi
February 27th, 2010 at 4:24 pm
What a wonderful experience that must have been ! great big hugs to you darling Lisa xoxoxoxo
February 27th, 2010 at 4:36 pm
so awesome, lisa.
February 27th, 2010 at 8:31 pm
Thank you everyone for the kind words. It was a struggle for me to post this- wondering what you all would think. But I kept feeling like it might be helpful, so I did. As Marla said in the dream room, it’s a universal experience and as such should be shared.
I know that when others post about their experiences, I take in what happened, how they felt, and then feel very comforted that they didn’t go poof or something. That helps me to open up to the idea of having those experiences myself. It’s pretty amazing how we are all helping each other. It’s pretty powerful.
A couple of side notes on the experience: Jesus really is telling us the truth- under our hatred is Love. The hatred is just blocking it. I really experienced that to be true.
A couple of hours after this experience, I had a major ego attack! Boy, that ego is a piece of work, ain’t it! Now if you’ll excuse me, I have some wood to chop and some water to carry….back to work. : )
February 27th, 2010 at 8:58 pm
Oh Lisa …. big hugs to you darling ! it is really wonderful that we can share our experiences, bad and good, and look at our fears together…. and like you said, that ego sure is a piece of work!
February 28th, 2010 at 10:27 am
Lisa, re. #235 it reminds me of the line in the Course (paraphrasing) That the most holy spot on earth is where an ancient hatred has been healed. {{hugs}} ::smile:: thanks.
February 28th, 2010 at 12:37 pm
Pam and Lisa, that’s exactly what I thought too… (T-26.IX.6. The holiest of all the spots on earth is where an ancient hatred has become a present love. 2 And They come quickly to the living temple, where a home for Them has been set up. 3 There is no place in Heaven holier.)
What a wonderful healing Lisa. And of course we have ego attacks after those very wonderful healing moments, don’t we!!! Me too!! I had horrible issues with my ex… we had fought over the kids, long story of hatred and mutual abuse… that was healed one day when I was able to imagine in the afterlife, (he has passed away) — he and I were sitting on a bench together (?) and he said to me “next time it’s you that gets to be the ‘bad guy’… I hated hurting you like that this go-around”… I suddenly saw him through completely different eyes and have been able to develop a friendship now.. with the children we have in common the common denominator… It is wonderful.. Bless you Lisa for telling us your story…
Love,
Mother
February 28th, 2010 at 12:48 pm
‘I hated hurting you like that this go-around’
Mom, I got tears in my eyes reading that. That’s it, isn’t it? Deep down, we hate hurting each other. Every one of us hates it. And when we see that, it’s like the healing just comes forth. And the relief is tremendous.
I’m glad your internet is back. : )
March 1st, 2010 at 7:01 am
I have a glorious little shift in perspective to share! Last night my boyfriend and I were having an argument–the kind where we’re trying to find a compromise but hurt feelings are in the way and it seems we’ve exhausted our prospective solutions. I told him I needed a break from it, so took a bath and forgave him, then repeated the prayer about holy relationships…the one that starts, “I would trade this instant for the holy instant I would rather have..” I don’t know it by heart, but I know the gist–that one of us can’t share it without the other so I give this instant up to the HS in exchange for a holy one. When I got out of the bathtub we started talking again all of a sudden a compromise neither of us had ever even considered occurred to both of us at precisely the same time! It was literally an option that was not even in my realm of consciousness earlier in the evening and it really was an absolutely brilliant and satisfying solution to the issue at hand. Amazing. We hugged it out, gave each other big smiles, and proceeded to enjoy the remainder of our evening together stress-free. I love it when that happens.
March 1st, 2010 at 8:34 am
kailin- Wow!!! How cool! (BTW I’m an INFJ, too. It’s supposed to represent only 1% of the population, and I’ll bet that 1% lives right here in the Monastery:)
March 1st, 2010 at 8:48 am
Lisa, what is an INFJ?
March 1st, 2010 at 9:08 am
Excellent Kailin!
I am filling the tub pronto!
Love it when people share that kind of shift.
March 1st, 2010 at 12:33 pm
you go girl xoxo
March 1st, 2010 at 12:40 pm
Wahoo Kailin!! Wonderful stuff!! Like LaAnnie, I’m going to try the bath tub thing… and especially the prayer… I too love stories of how these Holy Instants change our perception… well… instantly!!
{::::giggles:::: Had to read LaAnnie’s third sentence a couple of times… thought it said something else.. ::::snort::::}
March 1st, 2010 at 12:40 pm
Nina–an INFJ is one of the classifications of the Meyers-Briggs personality test I mentioned in another post of mine. If you’re up for a little fun (as long as you don’t get too attached to the identity!;) you can try it online. Just type in Meyers’ Briggs and you should find some condensed online quiz that can classify you of some kind. I just think it’s interesting. I read that whole 1% thing too, Lisa and then I started feeling special…ah…the ego at it again! LOL.
March 1st, 2010 at 4:25 pm
So I went out to run an errand and as I’m waiting for the light to turn green a bus drives by with this huge advertisement along the side panel for the TV series Nurse Jackie and the catch line is “Holy Shift”; and I say to myself WHAT! I just wrote “shift” 10 minutes ago as a play on words and now this line just floating past me larger than life.
My first thought was how cool is that and then on its heels was…. OHH Nooooo…. they are going to think I’m a copycat!
All this in a split second.
The speed of thoughts. If I could replay that moment it was like a ole western gun battle …Spirit on one end…Ego on the other both just sittin at a red light waitin fur it ta turn grreeen. Then comes the bus reeaal sloow liike, first I catch this circular image of every color of pill on the pharmaceutical wheel displayed around the ever complicated yet confident face of Nurse Jackie. I think, I know that face, ohh ya, its that new series, I like that show, so quirky and wrong on so many levels, I should watch it again, ……then my eyes catch the letters and I read it silently “Holy Shift” and my mouth repeats it out loud “Holy Shift” and I snap out of my trance and catch the decision maker. There it was in slow motion The Holy Spirit unloaded first with” How Cool is that” followed right behind by Ms. E clamoring OHHh NOOO they’re gonna think I copied that line.
Just like that the whole thing played out in a split second. Now even though Spirit fired off the shot first (it always uses blanks) Ms. Ego (who doesn’t play by the rules) looks like she won that draw. She just kept on shooting off thoughts like. I need to get back home and tell my monkling brothers and sisters how that was just total synchronicity and..blah blah blah.
The truth is Mother I didn’t realize what a cute line I wrote till after I hit the submit button. It was only upon reading it with my logo in place did I give it a double take. Just goes to show you how my ego wants to take credit for things it didn’t even come up with!
There I feel better now.
March 1st, 2010 at 5:55 pm
{chuckles mischievously and starts teasing – ♪ Annie is a copy-cat♪♪♫ Annie is a copy-cat♪}
Annie the only thing we ever think about you is just how much we adore you !
I remember several years there were umpteen bumper stickers declaring “shit happens”. Soon after a friend told me she decided she wanted to make bumper stickers that said “shift happens”. She thought she was very clever to think of it and i thought so too, and then i think some dude did.
I think we all think of this crap at the same time more or less, and anyway what`s wrong with taking credit for being clever without even trying – that`s even cleverer…big hugs to you babe xoxo
March 1st, 2010 at 6:30 pm
#255 Total Ego Splat!
Spirit would never be slinging a gun!
In the dog house for copy-cat Annie…..giggling all the way :)
My cleverness shines when I get out of the way.
Thanxs Winnie… my turn now on the tire swing
March 1st, 2010 at 7:59 pm
You know how we sometimes get music stuck in our head that keeps on playing like a broken record. The last time I had that happen was with TexAnne’s first vidjo which stayed with me for almost a week. Well, we have this notepad from the jury trial that yesterday when there was a lull from the proceedings I just wrote down the first line of the song that keeps turning over my head (i didn’t even officially hear it, fact is I haven’t heard this song for years) that goes…If it takes forever…. Today, as I was going thru my notes I saw what I wrote yesterday and I had goose bumps when I realized the next lines of the song. I will wait for you. For a thousand summers, I will wait for you. Till you’re back beside me. Till I’m holding you. Till I hear you sigh, here in my arms.
How long have I been ignoring this message?
March 1st, 2010 at 8:18 pm
{gives Annie a chupa chup and pushes her on the swing}
Leni dont ya just love how patient our big bro♥ is ….
March 2nd, 2010 at 10:13 am
Thanks for the video Win. I enjoyed it. Hope all’s well with you. Sending you warm hugs. Leni
March 3rd, 2010 at 9:27 am
This happened last night……. I awake with pains in my body and ask Jesus for help in seeing this differently. I start to see myself comforted and at the speed of light something or someone, it was dark, darts in and plunges a knife in the ground between us. I am aghast but also have the feeling that I have seen/caught something important and stay in that observer’s place.
Then I see (I am awake), a line of huge earth moving trucks filled with dirt, I believe ready to quickly cover it all up. I think more on Jesus and see a very straight but dimly lit path with an entrance at the end. It does not look inviting so I mentally put Jesus at the entrance thinking it would help me walk toward him but in a flash the image of him is not one I normally see, it is one with his eyes rolled upward and his limp fingers in the air and he seems weak and pathetic and I can not go to him.
I got out of bed and write this down and as disturbing as some of this was I also had a peaceful feeling along side it. I had seen my fears that I never seen before. I believe I have chased Jesus around the universe and wanted him more than anything. But there we were together and I put a weapon between us, perhaps even tried to kill him or me.
Back into bed with my husband and I am somehow much more peaceful and the space feels gentle and now in my mind I am able to take the knife and give it to Jesus. At that moment my completely asleep husband’s hand moves and lays over my hand, so very sweet, physical confirmation.
There was such gentleness and peace and as I lay there and then a thought came…what if I got depressed?… and I caught that thought. And it seemed to have great power and I knew it was a choice and right there I could choose depression or not and I asked for help and chose against it.
I waited and later heard the word, ‘innocent’ and I tear up as I write that and then saw Jesus looking like himself on a stage and he bowed as if he had played his part and it was the end of a play.
The morning came as usual and there is pain and peace and gratitude for all the help in all the guises.
March 3rd, 2010 at 12:39 pm
Ninjanun, I have no words for how your ‘vision’ is affecting me other than that went deep.
March 3rd, 2010 at 1:03 pm
Ninjanun, I am so happy to hear of your healing experience with Jesus… Love, Mother
March 3rd, 2010 at 2:48 pm
beloved Ninjanun and all others
In my last session with jamie he told me that the time where i would be able to be peaceful in the midst of pain and tribulations might not be far away – and today, it is here -
and as Ninjanun saw the image of Jesus bowing at the end of his play, I yesterday saw in a Focusingsession how fear bowed and moved away – the end of the play was there, and I had all the time had the choice to believe in it or not – and i felt the time had come where I did not any longer need to believe in fear’s reality, even though it was felt 200% in my nervous system – it was not real, only my believe in it made it seem so…
I felt gratefulness -
today, I was having a session with the cancer-ridden patient, and had experienced before his death-fear, and how I had picked it up about an hour before he arrived…it was so strong that I could not think, just wanted to run, it felt like being ripped apart by wild horses –
and this morning I woke up, and the fear came thrown over me, and the thought I could feel peace instead of this – or “at the same time of this” – and for the first time, it worked -
I was able to feel the killing fear and feel “yes, but that is not who I am, and I can fully trust this Presence to be constant and It can not be harmed…I can not be harmed -
and so I just said YES and the fear became something else – again it bowed and retreated -
and when the guy arrived, I was able to intervene very kindly and efficiently and stop his wild meanderings, hinting that maybe there was something underneath it that wanted to be known -
and he stopped -’and there was something beneath it -
and he became completely present – a holy instant on non-struggling -
and for the first time he was completely silent when he left -
and inside me was a silence too
and this Presence is there still
***
it feels like many of us are going through sort of similar processes -
like we are all playing parts in each others dreams
thank you dearest Jamie for telling me what you did: it has stayed in me as something that kept my head over water
March 3rd, 2010 at 5:23 pm
Dearest Ninjy
Absolutely fantastic stuff ! awesome !!!! everything about it. I just love it …
Your wonderful wonderful story begins with being awakened by pain and an earnest seeking to see it differently.
Your story ends with you waking still to pain, {because it`s a process and it takes time} but now the pain has lost its edge and Peace and Gratitude have come to hold your hand.
Nina your whisper felt so connected with Ninjy`s ….truly we are all together in this crazy dream .
Both your posts were about feeling peaceful in the midst of pain. Both of you experienced it at the same time…..just wonderful to read… :)
“and for the first time he was completely silent when he left -
and inside me was a silence too
and this Presence is there still”…. – powerful stuff..
big big hugs to the Nina-ja-nuns
March 3rd, 2010 at 8:34 pm
{{{{Pam, Mom, Nina, Winnie}}}}
March 6th, 2010 at 2:55 pm
I would like to do a little sharing here with my monkling friends. With hope in my heart I share some of my process.
For I think the past few weeks I have had several physical problems in my body, one after another. It ended up I just had to laugh it became so absurd. I have a job where I can work at home, in bed, so I was pretty low key about it and took a “what’s new, same old ego” approach except for the times when I was just in it, being miserable, trying to look with Jesus.
I listened to Jamie’s class, Awake in Stillness, from my subscriber’s choice and something seemed to shift in me. Listening to Jamie’s process of sitting on the sofa with Jesus/Ken and healing the “spot of darkness” was very moving to me. Allowing Jesus to love us. I felt more willing to learn and look at my darkness.
Then last night I had very intense sleeping dreams of me killing others. It was not clear to me who the “others” were, just that I wanted to and did kill them.
When awake in between the sleeping dreams I connected to feeling like I had killed my mother and looked at the deep guilt and pain I feel with Jesus. All of the right minded correction thoughts were just at my fingertips, totally available and acceptable to me (which of course is not usually the case).
Then my mind was darting around like it was looking for something but nothing was found. Then it felt like something very fearful was coming at me, toward me for very short moments. I realized I was too afraid to be aware of the “fearful something” coming at me so I just stayed calm and watched myself distract myself with thoughts that clouded / caused me to forget what was happening.
Today, while listening to Ken Wapnick cd’s like I usually do while cleaning, driving, randomly I felt so willing to hear and feel the truth.
PS-my body feels great today and I am grateful.
Now I am going to treat myself to some time reading whispers. Hope to read and share more with all of you. Thanks to Jamie for his generous and brave ways.
March 6th, 2010 at 3:42 pm
{{{Kendall}}} ….. this post brought tears to my eyes….. i`m so happy for you !
March 6th, 2010 at 3:48 pm
Thanks Winnie. I am happy too and happy to be able to share and be together.
March 7th, 2010 at 12:47 am
{{Kendall}} So glad for your wonderful experiences and that you feel great today!! That is terrific news!!! Love, Mother.
March 7th, 2010 at 1:13 am
Way to go Kendall! I love cleaning now I can listen to monk’s classes – makes the chopping wood and fetching water a joy.
March 7th, 2010 at 9:25 am
{{{Kendall]]] Thanks for sharing this wonderful experience. A hug and love, Lisi
March 7th, 2010 at 9:39 am
This is exactly why having whispers of the day is a great idea. How did I miss this post.! I totally get the line where you mentioned “willing to hear and feel the truth” ohh I love when I’m in that space…I literally feel like I’m expanding and breaking through the ropes of fear and then gratitude helps me carry the feeling even longer.
Thanks Kendall for sharing your process.
March 7th, 2010 at 10:26 am
Yes dear Mother, Al, Lisi, LaAnnie, Jamie and ((all))…thanks for connecting. I continue to feel very light, grateful, open, etc.
I know that miracles do not always result in changes in form that the world would define as so called positive. A lot of the time, I know I have decided for truth but my form in the world does not change for the so called better, even seems to get much worse. But yesterday and today it is nice to also experience so called positive change in the world and be open to that healing.
Hey Al, I have been listening to Ken Wapnick and now Jamie for years while cleaning, driving, etc. and I never tire of it. It does bring a lot more joy to all the mega amounts of chores and cleaning that goes along with having a child/family. Hugs!
March 7th, 2010 at 10:42 am
Lovely sharing, Kendall. Thanks, and hugs.
March 7th, 2010 at 2:05 pm
Hi Kendall! I too had a (mine was temporary) reprieve from my usual weakness in form the other day… I felt like I was sixteen again!! It was very nice. Then when the weakness sets in again, I go through the usual guilt trip about it, and set about with hopefully gentleness and patience for myself. This double-edged sword I use on myself for feeling guilty about feeling guilty is looking more insane every time I choose it.. yet I continue… *sigh*… but I won’t always. There is going to be an end to my choice for suffering, as I seem to have decided to walk tiny little steps away from it. **Happy sigh** Love you so much, Kendall. Love, Mother
March 7th, 2010 at 8:10 pm
{{{mother}}}
March 7th, 2010 at 9:33 pm
Mother, I love to read your whispers, they always encourage me to go ahead, your teaching about tiny steps is very valuable to me because sometimes I become very anxious about the length of the process. Thanks for sharing with such love. Lots of hugs and love, Lisi
March 7th, 2010 at 10:52 pm
{{Winnie}} {{Lisi}}
March 8th, 2010 at 4:42 am
Oh about guilt -i found today that I am actually hunting for it. And i did not feel
guiltynot so much guilty about it – it is just silly – I asked myself why I would do that, and knew that it was because of fear…it felt matter of fact, as a matter of fact. hunting for guilt – high and low – so nice to SEE the purpose at last, not only hearing about it intellectuallyMarch 8th, 2010 at 6:27 am
Very nice, Nina.
March 8th, 2010 at 12:04 pm
Wow, Nina! So cool. We must be on the same wave length or something (yeah, or something:))…I was just journaling yesterday about all of the different forms that fear and guilt seem to show up for me and realized that there are VERY few situations/relationships/events – past or present – that do not contain some form of guilt/fear. (It was a long journal entry!)
I guess we are “hunting” for it high and low! A great word “hunting”…so purposeful!
Thank you so much, Nina!
March 8th, 2010 at 12:42 pm
March 8th, 2010 at 12:51 pm
A-ha has a story that is full of struggle through 30 years – 3 very strong personalities/artists – and now they have found harmony together – and they are touring the world with their closing concerts – it just took them 30 years
(Morten Harket, I suspect, is a Course-student…he is frequently cited in the papers that he is weird and saying that we are not really here…)
March 8th, 2010 at 1:16 pm
thank gawd that there IS an end to the lengths we will go :)
March 8th, 2010 at 1:59 pm
I love you too Mother so much.
March 8th, 2010 at 6:37 pm
{{Guilt hunting with Nina}} I like it better when I can find it in someone else, but finding it in myself seems to work just as well to bring me to abject misery.. and the more misery I feel, the further from Heaven I feel, and the safer I am from Love. Yes, this is silly, isn’t it. Love you Nina, Mother
March 9th, 2010 at 2:13 am
Wow, Nina -
That’s excellent. I wish I had an experience like that too. I mean, I can see and experience guilt in my life (and constantly), but I have not yet been able to experience that *i* am *hunting* for it.
Hopefully soon, I can SEE/experience/feel that too.
Ciao, and thanks for the post,
anil
March 9th, 2010 at 11:42 am
We`re not just hunting, but searching savagely and when we find guilt we are secretly jumping with joy,
March 9th, 2010 at 11:56 am
Hunting down my TiVo schedule…that explains my attraction to watching Chelsea Lately, The Daily Show and my all time favorite Stephen Colbert.